UK and pakistan attempt marital bliss

Q: Assalamu Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu,

Dear Respected Brother,

I was hoping to receive your advice regarding some marital issues.
I have recently got married but I am really doubting whether or  not I made the right decision. After seeing just one picture of my wife, I decided to get married as by that point my dad had already gone to the other family to speak to them and I did not want him to lose face. I thought she is not the prettiest woman but that probably wont be the case once I see her up close.
Im based in the UK and she is based in Pakistan.
We have now been married for a couple of months and there is no physical attraction there. I believe that I should have met her before to make absolutely sure because if there is no physical attraction then there is no point in continuing.
My wife has also picked up on this and she believes I do not like or want her. I do not want to lie to her and I want to do  the right thing alhamdulillah. I’m stuck and unsure about what to do. Could you give me some help and advice please about what I should do next?
Jazakhallah Khayr for taking the time to read this, for your advice and for your lectures which have influenced me and so many others alhamdulillah. May Allah (swt) shower his blessings on you and your family and make us from the ummah of the prophet (pbuh) on the day of judgement, ameen.

Time: Sunday January 1, 2012 at 5:05 pm

(check fatwa site for how to divorce)

A: وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته

*it is no wonder our traditional scholars have been against the blind usage of animate photographs and drawings — unless to be used under stringent conditions. Pictures do tell a truth, however, its truth depends on the hand of the camera person, makeup artist, etc. In future, pay the extra money and go visit the person you intend to marry, see them for what they really are. As the saying goes, (since you are from the UK) don’t be Penny wise pound foolish.

If you consummated the marriage, then in such a situation you are most unfair to all of a sudden leave her. However, this is a right you can by all means exercise. Women are not cars waiting in a parking lot awaiting a test drive. Had you consummated the marriage, then revaluate whether divorce is the route you wish to take, even though you have the right to do so.

Had you not consummated the marriage, then in such a case, I would recommend the following: If you feel that being married to her would not do justice to the institution of marriage –that you would be abusive as a result of this continual marriage, you would cheat, etc. then inform her that you were foolish and hasty in your decision to marry her. Suggest to her that it is best each of you part with peace.

I also suggest that while you are married, you treat her in the best possible manner. Had you not taken part in adult relations and you feel this relationship is doomed, then do not take part in adult relations, however, take care of all her other needs. Likewise, give her gifts to show that you do care for her as a human. Try this for a while, if your heart still does not incline towards her, then give her divorce and pay all that which is associated with it. Example, house and food expenses, etc. If she pardons you, that is surely from her kindness.

It is better to leave as generously and humanly as possible.

Next time, do not get married at the request of another. Get married with the suggestion and help of those that have your best interest in mind – be it parents, etc. Remember, seldom would you find a perfect person, but this does not mean you both need to live an unfruitful life.

May Allah (SWT) make easy for her.

Allah Certainly Knows Best.

(Go to your local mufti for advice of type of divorce to give with the above answer in hand.)

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0 responses to “UK and pakistan attempt marital bliss

  1. worried mother

    As-salaam-alaikum brother. Imam is most wise to give you proper advice of the conditions and humanity in which to divorce. As a mother of both a son and daughter I would like to comment to you that since you married to “save face” of your father do you not think of saving face for him to divorce a woman who has done no wrong? You indicated you did not think she was beautiful but married her anyways in hopes it was better; I assume you must be very handsome and can get any bride you want? I think if you have a sister think hard what you are doing to this poor girl who has done nothing wrong. I think marriage is not about looks, looks do fade. I tell non-Muslims all the time how Islam teaches us that there is more than physical attraction that constituets marriage (love, lust for american or UK lifestyle). Muslim marriages have about a 6% divorce rate compared to 50% for a reason. When things get tough we stick it out and work it out; marriage is a commitment that is taken very seriously and not a whim of love or lust. You married her for other reasons that your family felt would make her a good wife and mother. Discuss those reasons with your father to remember what they were. Attraction can come after love has blossomed. You may find a beautiful wife to replace this one but, beauty does have its price; I know many women that spend all of their husbands money on clothes, jewelry, going to Pakistan for 3 months each year and not spending time to teach their children about Islam or helping their children with their studies. They are gorgeous but, that is all and are quite shallow or demand more from their husbands i.e. $5000 spending money, etc. Please think long and hard, also what you will be doing to this girl and her family, she will be thought to have not been a good wife and will probably not be able to marry again. Her family may be disappointed in her thinking she did not make you happy. It is a shame, but it is true. It is a mans world but, men must take responsibility for their actions since they have mothers and sisters and nieces that should be respected and treated well they should treat other women the way they would want their own loved ones to be treated. Women in Islam are the most respected, if you value our Imam’s advice, do the Islamic thing and find love where lust is not.
    Jazakullah Khair
    p.s. I once had this dilemma when my brother told me he may not marry the girl he promised to after he goes to the country and sees her; I told him then, you cannot string a girl for 2 years and then last minute change your mind would you like if someone did this to me? He married her and is very happy with 2 sons.