age and children should not ALONE call for a rejection

Q: Hello,

I am muslim lebanese girl of 23 years old, I met a man who is 35 years old, lebanese and muslim. He is divorced and has 2 children (girls of 12 and 7 years old). My dad has some troubles in his behaviour due to mental disability so my mother takes decision most of the time and he goes with her ideas in everything. Me and this man want to get married, but my mother refuses, my dad doesn’t know yet.  Me and him are good in religion and we made istikhara to know if Allah advices us to be together, and it was always positive. My mother disagrees because he is divorced, she tells me she doesn’t want someone who has children.

Each time I do istikhara to stay with him it’s positive. Lots of things improved in his life and mine since we met each other. Should I drop the case with him or get married to him despite her disapproval?
Time: Tuesday November 8, 2011 at 5:19 am

A: General ruling: Your matter is rather sensitive. A man having children should not be dismissed for marriage nor should a person not having children be the criteria for a couple to be together. One must look at his level of religiosity (taqwa), his background and character, his ability to provide for his current (daughters) as well as new family (you), etc. Try to research how he treated his previous wife without violating his privacy and the manner in which he treats his current family – siblings, parents and children, etc.

As for your parents, if it is true that your father has issues that would impair his judgment as it relates to your marital matter, then it would be best for you to additionally include qualified and respectable family members as well as a nonjudgmental yet religiously experienced scholar to assist in this decision making process. Likewise, you cannot just depend on the istikara alone. In your case, it would be recommended that you also ‘consult’ with those (scholars) that are experienced regarding this matter.

Social advice: Do not be fooled with a little improvement in his life as well as your life. When seeing a new person, it all seems good at first. As the Arabic saying goes: every new thing is tasty. (Every new thing, due to its novelty always would seem nice!) Men (woman) from former relationships that have children need to be on their best behavior, or else there is a possibility that they would be single for life! Know full well, a leopard can never change its spots. However, we do trust that Allah (SWT) is the Changer of hearts and behavior. We must work with caution as it relates to marital partners and make a decision that is mature and livable for life.

You seem strong, that is good: Alhamdullah, you are willing to ‘drop’ this matter if necessary. To me this means that you are willing to move on should the decision not be in your favor. At first, this may be difficult and even extremely painful to do; however, having such an open mind upon such an important matter is very good. It shows that your judgment is not being impaired and that you truly want to do the correct thing. Allah (SWT) does not love desperate people, shaytan does. On this level you seemingly have done well.

Reality: You are young; keep your options open without violating the rules of religiously and modesty. If you still restless as to whether he is the right person, seek better options with the help of senior and responsible family members. May Allah (SWT) guide you and me, amen.

Allah Certainly Knows Best.

2 responses to “age and children should not ALONE call for a rejection

  1. worried mother

    As-salaam-alaikum. As always, our Imam has given sound advice and is very clear about what you should do. I would just like to ask, who is considered the ‘wali’ if your father is mentally incapacitated, does it fall to the father’s brother, uncle? Can she seek the advice of such person and in Islam is not his advice more valued than a mother who is emotional? I am just wondering… I don’t know if this is the case but, your local scholars and family, etc. as Imam has advised will be able to help make a good decision. I also commend you that you are willing to do what is going to be decided according to Islam and not what your emotions or heart wants. Alhamdu-lillah, you are a very good Muslim daughter.

    • good question within your comment: since father has issues relating to judgment as diagnosed by a good Muslim health professional, she would seek the advise of the grandfather (this is an also an accepted opinion and a better one according to many) if the father is ill as described in the above scenario.