‘I have a very serious problem’

Question:
Salaam,
I have a very serious problem and desperately want to speak to someone who could give me a good advice so that I can make up a right decision. I was compel to marry my cousin in 2009 over a phone and sponsor him to NZ, but I have never accepted him from day one. I have only spent 16 days with him after nikha and that without any physical relationship till today. I want to help him and get him to NZ therefore I have sacrificed my educations and started to work and earn fulltime so that I can financially support him but I still dont consider him as a husband. I always wanted to marry an  a educated person since I have struggle myself to get the education and I know how important education is, apart from all this, he is not career focused person, he’s not interested to learn anything which makes so much difficult to come to NZ without any skills and qualification.

I am a true muslim girl, despite of being brought up in NZ  I pray 5 times a day and recite my Holy Quran and keep my fast in the Holy Month of Ramdhan, I tried to heed and make myself understand by my heart disagree all the time. We dont keep in touch since I have already told him how I feel about him and the oppressive relationship (Nikah).

Please advice I dont know what to do since I dont see my future with him, its not that I have someone else in my life I just dont see him as my husband and I feel like some whom I will really like to marry will definitely come soon in my life…my parents and family will never understand since they like his family.

Plus, there is no physical relationship between me and him ever since the nickha had happened, Is this nikha valid? because I dont think its valid even from the starting.

Thank you, I ll be waiting for reply
Time: Tuesday August 2, 2011 at 3:23 am

A: Dear sister, (This answer is by Br. Nadeem Social department)

I appreciate you sending us this query. May Allah (swt) make you and others benefit from this answer. You seem like a good person and I pray that Allah (swt) will provide whatever is best for you and make it easy for you to accept which has Khair (goodness) in it for you. However, after reading your concerns, these look more like grievances than the bona fide reasons as to why you think this is not a suitable match for you. I would like to ask you a few serious questions and please try to answer them genuinely:

  • Were any facts concealed from you prior to you agreeing to this nikah?
  • Do you think it was a ruse and you were tricked into it?
  • Were you not aware of the fact that your cousin is not educated and you found that out only after getting into this nikah?
  • Why do you say you were compelled to marry him? How was it a compulsion when you said you are an educated person living in NZ?
  • You are giving contradictory statements. You are saying you were compelled to marry him and then you said you wanted to help him get to NZ. Then you claim you sacrificed your education and started supporting him financially. Were you forced to do all that for your husband?
  • Is he a bad person in the sense that he doesn’t practice Islam nor does he allow you to practice?
  • Does he drink, smoke, or abusive in any way that you think he’s not upholding an Islamically virtuous life?
  • Is he not fulfilling your rights or even have expressed in any way that he won’t or is not capable of doing so?

If you answer “NO” to all or most of the above questions, then you really don’t have a genuine reason to walk away from your husband. Being “uneducated” or “not a career focused person” are NOT a Shar’ee (Islamically approved/disapproved) reason for seeking divorce from your husband. Your reasons sound like a change-of-heart situation after the facts more than anything else or maybe the grass is greener on the other side.

As for your nikah, it’s perfectly valid. If you agreed to Ijab and Qobool (proposal and acceptance in the presence of a set of witnesses), then this nikah is valid.

Since you have not given valid reasoning for a divorce except for the appearing claim, I would recommend you do the followings:

  • First and foremost, make lots of du’as. Ask Allah (swt) to grant you whatever has Khair in it for you and furthermore ask Allah (swt) “Oh! Allah, grant me the contentment on Your decision, so I’ll be happy with whatever You have chosen for me.”
  • Both of you should seek help from a marriage counselor and try to resolve the matter.
  • Try to work out this marriage rather than breaking it. It’s always easier to break relationships/things than to make it to work.
  • If I were in his position and see that you want a divorce, I would try to work it out with an agreed time frame (example, 6 months) with the assistance of good professional experts. Thereafter, I would let you go your own way. And that’s exactly what I would tell your husband to do. The reality is: since people are different, not every marriage is meant to last!

I would like to warn you against hasty decisions for the following two reasons:

  • When we are ungrateful to Allah’s decisions and think that we will achieve better than what He has given us at the moment, then Allah can or may test you by putting you in a situation where you start longing for the condition you were in before.
  • Nothing makes the Shaitaan happier when a marriage falls apart due to a divorce.

Allah Certainly Knows Best.

(approved by Ml Muhammed Shoayb)
p.s. Dear reader, additionally, read this.

2 responses to “‘I have a very serious problem’

  1. As-salaam-alaikum. It strikes me as odd that you have not marital relations with your husband. Either you have not chosen to let him come close and denied him or he is not able to? I think you should ask our Imam about this matter as well. I believe, if he is unable to perform, you can have a “khula” but, you need to consult as the Imam has said and divorce should not be taken lightly. Imam is very wise in the application of The Holy Quran for these modern times, as well, as our Holy Book is timeless. May Allah (swt) make your marriage whole and give you guidance to seek the proper counselling in person. Ameen.

  2. The divorce of a Muslimah from her husband is an affair which is loathsome to Allah and not a praise worthy event. it is okay and there is nothing prohibited in seeking a divorce if it has to due with the reasons that the Imam mentioned above. However, The thing which is prohibited is a wife seeking a divorce from her husband for no reason of the shariah.(I concluded the same thing, you have no valid reasons in doing so my sister). may Allah guide you in making the right decision upon this; because there is a serious promise made for seeking a divorce without a valid reason. It is reported in the hadith of the Prophet peace and blessings be upon him, “If a women asks her husband for a divorce, for no reason, then the smell of paradise is forbidden for her”. (At-Tirmidhi). think twice before proceeding InshaAllah. “O’Allah Grant us the best of outcomes in all our affairs, and save us from disgrace in this world and from punishment in the Hereafter”. Ameen