life is to precious for you to be in continual conflict

Q: As Salam Alaikum Imam Sahab,

May Allah Bless you for how you find time to read our questions and provide replies. May he reward you in both worlds.
My question is about duties of husband. I live in Texas, US got remarried 3.5yrs ago and have two children from my previous marraige. I was a working woman, US national and got married so we can have a family together. This person promissed me he will fulfill his duties and support me morally and financially; he also wanted to have family with us as well. By finding him sincere I got married, he moved into my house I filled for his greencard and paid all bills no matter if I borrowed from my parents or sold my belongings for last 3.5yrs. He didn’t ask how I was running the household and didn’t take any interest sharing responsibilities of any type. When I lost my job and asked financial help he moved out and now we are living seperately. With all this said, my question is what Allah says about husband like him? What should I do next? He says I am taking care of my own responsibilities and keeps himself apart from everything. I don’t want to go through another divorce and am lost and
too deperessed, please advise in the light of Islam what I did so wrong? What should be my next move about him?

Time: Sunday July 24, 2011 at 4:02 pm

A: وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته
Kindly view my recommendations as a way to improve your situation. My tone may be harsh, however my sister, i do want the best for you.

Your options are as follows:

  • You can sue him for failed promises and actions. To be successful in your claim, you must furnish proof. Likewise, a man must fulfill certain rights, violating those rights awards you fair compensation.

Side note: If you find it worthwhile to be with a man like this, then remain married to him. I personally only see more abuse coming your way. When a person fails to see the humaneness of another human, there is not much one can do about such a person, except pray for their well-being. To me, your life is too precious to accept such continual abuse. His abuse keeps you negative and away from the remembrance of Allah (SWT). This is just not worth your time and energy. This is not what you have been created for!

  • You need to go to an ‘in house’ scholar with your husband and resolve this matter soon as possible. It is better that one sometimes ends an abusive marriage then go on and have it ended later.
  • If he changes, then stay with him.
  • More critically, you need to take greater pride in how you choose a marital partner.

Allah Certainly Knows Best.

P.s. Please folks, do not tell me i am advocating divorce and assisting in being a home-wrecker. Our religion does allow for it when things get unbearable! So choose wisely. On green card matter, press here.

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5 responses to “life is to precious for you to be in continual conflict

  1. Jazzak Allah Imam Sahab,

    Your advice is what I already knew what’s coming in my heart but didn’t want to admit (I guess). I didn’t know if I can sue him for not being provider for me like Allah has obligated him. Can I? What are the duties of a husband towards wife? or what are the rights of a wife towards his husband? Please clarify more. Thank You
    (I apologize for taking so much of your time and pray that Allah reward you in this life and after by fulfilling your desires and providing whatever you seek – Ameen)

    • Sister, it is Ramadan. (sorry i saw your post only as of now!) Let me frank. If I told you your rights, would that change your husband? (You know the answer.) It would just make you an even more bitter person. Why do you want more pain in your life? Knowing you are in pain, you going to make all of our hearts hurt. Do you really want that?
      Your super alternative: Instead of begging for your rights from a fellow human, as of now, take time out and beg Allah (SWT) for assistance in this sacred month. This would make you feel better; make you feel strong and more spiritually empowered.
      Let’s deal more with this matter after Ramadan.
      May Allah (SWT) make matters easy for us all, ameem.
      Wasalam

  2. As-salaam-alaikum sister. I am sorry to hear about your difficulty but, I know that you can take care of yourself and your children as it seems you have been doing it throughout the marriage anyways. You are better off to not have a husband then one that does not care for you or support you. May Allah (swt) give you strength during this turmoil. Ameen.

  3. Thank you sister and thank you moulana sahab,
    Surely I find peace in zikarAllah (swt), prayers & reciting quran which I have begun with tafseer these days. Allah (swt) has created a way for me and I have found job Alhamdullilah will begin working next week. Since my husband is already away I have decided not to think or worry about him or this matter too much, I am sure Allah (swt) will decide something for me sooner or later. Thank you for your concerns and I am not hurting anymore I think what Allah (swt) likes best from us is to be Radi ba rada to his will, so am I indeed. Please pray for me & my kids.
    Jazzak Allah for your good wishes may he reward you in both worlds. Ameen

  4. I am so surprised reading this thread. I thought I was reading my own problems online although we are married for 2 years and I am a British citizen working here in USA and also filed for British PR for my husband. I live here in Texas as well. I, too have 2 children from previous marriage and supporting them all by myself. Working night shifts so I can support everybody including my husband and paying all the bills including his health insurance and cellphone. Anyway, it has reached to a point that I am no longer able to bear the hostilities and abuses from him. I want to move out from Texas and live a peaceful life. InshaAllah I will be able to get a job somewhere else far from him. May ALLAH SWT forgive me for leaving.

  5. Life is a circle and where one’s story ends, other’s begin…..I hope you find comfort in replies I got earlier. I am living very peacefully now with my kids and Allah has made life easier for us. I don’t dwell on the past but in my heart I know my patience has a reward so should you. Have patience and Allah will find a way for you and hopefully you will get job far away from him. May Allah make life easier on you. Ameen