‘sweet poison’

Q: assalamu alaikom, I am so embarrassed as to what I have to say and ask, but I need help. I am 22, married to a nice 31 year old man, and a mother of a 2 year old baby boy…but I cheated on my husband, but no sex, I know it doesn’t make what I did any more less haram but I just wanted to include as much details as possible. We had our problems early in the marriage and I was and still am going to school. I brought him to the USA from overseas so that I could continue my education and lets just say that the entire relationship shouldn’t have continued as much as it did. Before we got married, we got to know each other (from a long distance) for a year with the knowledge of our parents and then we were engaged (with katib al ketab) for 2 years and then we got married. I cannot go into all the details about what and when everything started going wrong, but he doesn’t think we had problems because I never complained and just kept building everything and saying InshAllah Allah
would help me get through this and make my marriage better and happier.

He never beat me or abused me, but I was unhappy with my loveless marriage. I wanted out a long time ago but I couldn’t get myself past the guilt of what I was doing to him because he loves me like crazy….overly attached crazy. This year, I knew I wanted a divorce for sure and I got close to a friend and would complain to him, I know it was wrong, but at the time the shaitan was strong and I was under so much pressure from everyone that I wasn’t thinking right…may allah forgive me, for he is the all forgiving.
As I said, I never had sex with this friend, but we did love each other and did other sexual acts that I am not proud of at the moment. So my husband found out through some messages that I was having this relationship and I came clean to him…yet he still wants to stay with me for the sake of our child and our marriage. I am willing to work on the marriage but I know him well enough to know that this marriage will not work out in the end. I want a divorce but don’t want to hurt my husband, my son, or either family. I know that if my father finds out what I did…he will shoot me…and I want our divorce to end on good terms for the sake of my son and for the sake of both our reputations! I don’t want to hurt my husband especially because he has been hurt by an ex-girlfriend before and he is really really depressed and affected by what I did, which is totally understandable and I don’t blame him. I just can’t go on acting like I love him and lying to him saying that I want to stay
when I really don’t. Ya Shaikh, what would you advise me to do? Should I tell him how I really feel? Should I stay with him a little longer and build his confidence up then tell him that I want a divorce for different reasons (which were my original reasons)? I know that I will probably get judgmental replies, which I can take because I know the extent of what I have done and I am repenting what I did with Allah and my husband. Jazakallahu khairan.
Time: Saturday June 4, 2011 at 12:48 pm

A: وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته

Rule one, never confide to a male (ghair Mahram) ‘friend’ about problems you are having with your husband. This is a major crime in Islam. Some ‘friends’ listen to the problem of woman not because they care for woman; they listen so as to exploit aspects of female sexuality. Sexuality is not limited to the mere act of sex itself. It involves an opening towards many unwanted avenues. I am sure you have already experienced this. That is why the Quran states: Do not even approach such an area (paraphrased Quran.)

Rule two: What goes on between you and your husband should not be told to anyone, unless it is a situation that jeopardizes your life and its likeness. This does not seem to be the case in your situation. This male friend is generally not just a ‘friend.’ Such ‘friends’ add to the havoc.

You are giving the perception that you really do not know what you want in life. Life seems like a joke to you. You seem to forget that you are married. You have a child. Yet you act as if you are on a lifelong honeymoon. Is this the example you want to leave for your child?!

Tell your husband you are sorry. You both must accept that you both have or have had a rotten past. Both must move on to a new beginning.

Let go of the temptation that the grass is greener on the other side. Best to deal with what you have and make the best of it.

You both really do not seem to have grounds for a valid divorce. I see no abuse, no selfishness from his side, etc. You both just need to grow up. Jumping from relationship (or bed to bed) is not going to solve your matters. It just makes your poor behavior more firm. You not getting younger. So try and be your best from here on. I know you can be your best. Are you not wanting the best for yourself? May Allah (SWT) make matters easy for you, Ameen.

Allah Certainly Knows Best.


3 responses to “‘sweet poison’

  1. There is no bases for divors at all. the woman is being teleguided by shaitan and she need to rededicate her worship to Allah,repent and know her duties islamically in marriage.May Allah bring her closer to him,amin

  2. As-salaam-alaikum.Your situation is very troubling and the “American Dream” of love and marriage is in your head a bit.Know this, the reason that Islamic marriages do not end up in a high percentage of divorce (6% versus 50% for Americans) is because our commitments to our spouses and married life are more deep than our own selfish desires. We have our faith that provides guidelines for a happy partnership. We are human, make mistakes but, we must be responsible and do the right thing to end up in heaven. You are a mother, you have a commitment to provide a family life with both parents to that child. You have an extremely understanding, loving and committed husband who is wanting to continue the marriage with you. There are not too many men that would stay with their wife knowing what has passed. Unless a man beats you or is abusive, you need to work at the marriage and not be selfish. You will be looking for love as a single mother and may never find a man that is so deeply committed to you. Allah (swt) has chosen a mate for you. (you did not mention you were forced at all into this marriage). Also, you should confide in women that you respect and understand the commitment of marriage. May Allah (swt) guide you during this difficult time. Ameen.

  3. Actually, Islamic marriages in the U.S. are now ending in 37% divorce and American divorces are 66%. I agree with everything else wm says.