in your case, you still too young

Q:Assalamu aleikun
My name is Ramatoulaye, at the moment, I’m 16 and
when I was 13, I met a boy, that I always had contact by phone as we werent in the same country. We always thought about marrying, and at frist, my parents accepted our relationship, they just told him that I was young in that moment. As the time pasts, we build a very strong relationship, with respect and confidence, and I’m sure that hi is the best person for me to marry, and he too. I love him, mostly because he loves me, and always wants me to be in the right way, just like a good muslim must be. We are always making new projects together, that I hope with the help of Allah (SWT) will become real. We are from the same country, same religions, same languague… and he is older than me..His family agree and support our relationship (who frist changed our contact numbers, was his brother) Proposals of marriage is something that both of us always have. But the problem is, last summer, I went to my country (guinea) and my cousin wants to marry with me, and now my parents also want
it, and now they even dont want me to talk with the boy that I love. Something that they dont understand, is that they cant choose for me the person that I love, the one that I will share my life, everything..
I’m not ready to do something that will let my family happy, and make myself the unhappiest person in the world. I want you to advise us about what can I do? If it’s permisible for me to marry with him, without my parents consent.
Hope that you will anser me as soon as you can, because the situation is becoming each time more stressful and harder
Djazha kallah Raizhan
Time: Friday May 13, 2011 at 3:13 am

A:وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته

I appreciate your email.

  • You both are very young.
  • Your parents tempted both of you in pursuing matters in a wrongful manner. In this regard, they were irresponsible and contributed to a sin. For this they would be held accountable. This does not however allow for you both to do as you please. Parents seldom realize that they would face the outcome of children-sanctioned religiously- adverse behavior.
  • Parents allow their daughters to talk to men in hopes that proposals would come by. Now that an alternate person has come by, they want you to function as a ‘tamed animal’ that is ready to redirect herself. In the context of this matter, this is wrong. Your parents should be sensitive and not toy with human emotions — yours and his.
  • Parents make mistakes, this does not justify you to make an error.
  • I would recommend time out from this man you are talking too.. You have had your emotions tangled with for a long time. You have moved from chatting to loving to now a new pickle. Thus, do not concern yourself about marriage unless you inclined towards haraam. Mature and become a woman by learning what it takes to be a woman in every sense of the word.
  • Focus on attaining skills that make you successful in years to come.

Allah Certainly Knows Best.

11 responses to “in your case, you still too young

  1. Ramatoulaye

    I think that the age of one person, is not seen in numbers
    but in what the person is, and does.
    One person with 16 can be older than one with 26
    We can imagine, but never understand 100% one thing that is inside the human heart, only the Creator can do this.
    But however, I saw and thank you for your answer.

  2. Muhsina insha'Allah

    Sister, I hear your words, and I agree with you that a 16 year old young girl could be much more mature than a 26 year old girl. But no matter how mature the 16 year old, she still didn’t have enough time to reach out the experience of a 26 year old. However, experience alone doesn’t determine smart choices made at life. I am saying this because I think like you, when I was your age, girls at my age didn’t like me, because I was more mature, so I used to hangout with older girls, and still do, but the older girls I meet sometimes are more mature than me, and sometimes less mature, however, all these girls have experienced life and went through things that are older than my age. the point is, the older the person is, the more experience they have about their lives more than the experience I have or you have because we didn’t live that long… and experiencing life situations help you make decisions in a better way because you have the proper experience for a given situation. Therefore, I agree with you, you just need a little more time to see more and more of this life so you can judge with experience. The decision you make today, is different when you make it 10 years from today. I hope I said things that could please you.

  3. Ramatoulaye

    Thank you.
    I really understand when people say that “I’m young, I’m young”
    and in the reality, I know that I’m young, but it’s hard when you feel that nobody understands you, and they just see your age and not what you think, feel or want. Not even the kind of person that you are, They even just dont listen what you have to say!Yes, I know that sometimes what the person want, is not the better for them, and also can be the worst thing. But why not to try always understand the person, be able to listen, try to understand and give opportunities?
    but if the problem is my age, I will wait until I grow up, because I know that was a bention from Allah having a person like this young man that want to share more than his life with me, and I’m sure that the worst decision that I can do in my life, is give up from what I feel. Because he is the person that asks things just like my father do, tells me things just like what my parents tells me to do, or even better, because he had the opportunity to learn things that unfortunatelly not every muslim people learn, and mostly is this things that he knows about our religion, about the life of our Prophets, the things that he knows about how a muslim person must be, that really makes me love him more, and I hope that this little knowledge becomes each time more. Only knowing and living our religion, can make us a persons truly happy. In life, we must not only think about the present. We must think about the future, and mostly about how we think will be after death,only thinking this can keep us in the best way, because nobody knows when will leave this world. We hope that we leave with the best action and may Allah (SWT) forgive our sins, and put his mercy each time more in our souls and the person around us. May Allah give us the true knowledge (experience) in order that we can make decision that we will not regret, in the world and mostly after. May the Creator helps us always do decision that we put us closer to him, and never far away.
    Assalam

  4. Striving Muslimah

    As Salaamu Alaikum,
    Sister, I understand where you are coming from. I will share a little bit of my experiences and hopefully it will help you make a better decision. Marriage is a great thing in Islam Alhamdulillah, I totally understand that. It really shocked me when I read your post, “A 16 years old interested in a marriage”. I was always that type of a girl, marriage never crossed my mind rather than my studies and my family. As I reached 20, everyone around me was getting married and peer pressures got on my head, “I need to find that right person too before I’m 22”. My prayers were accepted and my type of a person came to me. As our respected Imam mentioned above sister, talking before marriage is just not a blessed thing at all, it takes away everything you have (your studies, Qur’an memorization and etc…these are just my experiences). Sadly, girls have a very weak emotional attached and just deeply feel in love and think there is No life without it (at least based on my experiences). Sister, I strongly recommend you to take the advices above seriously and take time out with this dude; I myself wished I would have listened to my heart when I figured things were going astray when I started talking to this guy (grades dropped, didn’t devote time to my Qur’an and so many other rituals that I did before meeting this guy). As for marrying young, a lot of my friends have married very young right out of high school. I do not believe that this was a wise decision to make, but I couldn’t convince them of that at the time. Now the majority of them have already been divorced before the age of 25. I feel bad for them, but they should have taken the advice of those older and wiser than them, who warned them to take it slow. Sister, I don’t think you should get married at 16. You will regret it, I can tell you that much. What you’re feeling right now is a little something called over-active hormones. You are not old enough to carry the responsibilities of marriage. I will recommend you to start thinking about your future career Insha’Allah. Finish up your high school and go to college. If the brother really cares about you and he loves you, he will be patient enough to wait for you or who knows Allah will reward you with a better man if it’s not him. I have thought deeply to myself why I put a guy before my dreams, I have came to a better conclusion and I thought of it as a childish decision that I have made; I took time out with the guy as the Imam recommended and everything is going well with me Alhamdulillah, (my Iman is Alhamdulillah, graduating within a year, and already applying for master’s program). I believe by the time I am finished with school, the right person would come to me and on the right time. Lastly, sister please do think twice about what you are thinking and do listen to your parents; that is one of the biggest mistakes I made by deceiving them. My parents have always encouraged me to put my religion and my studies first before a guy, and I was so naive and did the opposite. If your parents do not want you to marry this guy you are so in love with, they know better. All I said here was based on my personal experiences sister, Insha’Allah I hope I did not hurt you in any way.

    Salaam Alaikum.

  5. Ramatoulaye

    Djakallah rhairab
    fristly for the intention to share with me your experience, because you could only read, and not take your time to write, so thank you for that.
    Unfortunately, things like that happens, but all the histories has the same ending?
    And this buy really is different from what you told me, because when I meet him, all my grades became better, my average in year 11 between 1 and 20 was 17, in the course of Science and Technology, then I moved to the UK, where only on 6 months, I will do my exams in Level 2 for ICT and Maths and Level 1 in English. when I met him, he really give me courage and helped me to start translating the quran in my langague, then I look for a imam that helped me with it, now the boy is the person that calls me and reads a ayat and translates and explain it to me, that tells me histories about our beloved prophets, with him, I’m learning many interesting things that I know that are useful and he is really a good impact in my life, and by other hand the other boy that they wants me to marry, he is good at school, but not a lot in our din, and I think that the second one is more important.
    Due to our relationship, even if it’s by phone, other persons get married and now, alhamdulilah they have baby and are a happy family.
    before taking my decision, I though about all the negative things that could happen if something goes wrong, but I what we feel is greater than any thing that human being can imagine, and insallah we will try to convince my parents, in the best way. Even if they dont accept today, we will way until they do so.
    Thank you for sharing all of these experiences with me, and may allah help us always do the best decisions in our lives.

  6. Just to put this out there….it really bothers me when girls and boys are okay with talking to each other, and they use the context of their conversation to make it okay. Just like the girl above they claim “no he only talks to me about hadith, quran, and etc” it really bothers me when they make mockery out of the din. Question for you sister does he forget to teach you about the ayah and hadiths when Allah glory be to He tells you to protect yourself and do not talk to strange men. Im telling you this because i am your muslim sister i have great amount of love for you: protect yourself. Protect your name and your families name. Cleary the “love” that you think you have for him is an illusion created by the shaydan. May Allah guide us all and protect us from fitnah.

  7. Ramatoulaye Diallo

    Thank you for your suggestions and oppinions

  8. I am going to repeat what everyone else has already told you. Wait. Live life a little and then decide what you want to do.

    Make it HIS decision. If he wants to marry YOU he will have to wait another 4 year. Alhamdolilla the boy you like has been with you for 3 years, mashallah! If he truly loves you, he will want you to mature before you marry him.

    I will remember you in my prayers and I pray Allah will guide you to the life Allah intended for you.

    • what does: ‘live life a little and then decide’ mean?
      Did someone say: ‘Alhamdolilla the boy you like has been with you for 3 years, mashallah!’ Mashallah for dating? A little lost!

  9. I think the commenter above meant to say, if the guy the sister liked been with her for 3 years, then most likely he can wait for her to be mature if he sincerely loves her. based on what I have learned from you Sheikh and I would like to share with the commenter above, “we Muslims are allowed to eat dates but we don’t date”-Imam Muhammad Shoayb

  10. Assalamu aleiku
    I took this time to think about the issue, and finally took a decision
    7 months ago I moved (of course with family)and went to a country where are more muslim people than where I was before. During this time, I made for myself an auto reflexion, and found all the things that I needed to change as a muslim girl, so started to come to his website and learn things that I didnt know, to remember others and today I can apply it all.
    I followed the advice of the iman, I will talk very very less with the young man, and concentrate more in our religion, my studies and in my family.I talked to a scholar wich talked to my father and explained him things about marriage in islam that he didnt know, and also with my tante and uncle, and a respected friend of the family that is at the moment living with the boy are also trying to help. At this time, my family isnot talking a lot about my cousin as before.
    What do you muslim sisters think about it?