Parents must be fair and not drag children into parental matters

Q:  Asalamalkium ya sheikh.

My father says to us that we aren’t his kids when he is mad an argues with my mother he has said it Numerous of times. and has said many more thing, Anything you can imagine he has said to us or either my mother. My father also does not help pay bills he does not contribute what so ever. My mother pays all the bills food an everything. He comes home eats an sleeps. He is always gone. He leaves the house early in the morning an comes back for meals an to sleep. This has been going on for over an year now. He use to help with rent at first but whenever rent was due there would always be a big argue/fight between my mother an him. So now he doesn’t pay for anything anymore. The worst part is he is always sending money over seas to his other kids an wife every time. An does not spend a dime for us. Alhamdulila we got our mother. But this has been bugging me for so long, My mother says to just leave him along an let me him do what he wants. I really cant deal with this anymore. Although
Ive never done a single thing to him, and when he request me to do something or greets me i will greet him an do it for the Sake of Allah an my mother.  But i don’t like the fact that he does nothing for us, an uses us. But he is more then willing to send money to his other kids an get them what they want. But lives off of us. This is really frustrating sheikh i don’t know what to do anymore. Ive been trying to ignore it, but every time i see him i have this angry feeling an ruins my whole day based on how he acts. He comes in the house doesn’t greet anyone, walks right past us and eats and goes to sleep. Same routine everyday.  I just cant handle it anymore.  And people think his the greatest most caring loving man when they see him outside the house because he acts so much different outside the house his happy laughing joking but as soon as he gets into the house its like someone just told him the worst news in the entire universe. I don’t know what to do. what am i suppose to do.
Ive been really patient over the years but i feel like there on my shoulders an pushing me down every time. Can you talk to this man, an telling the proper ways or punishments there is for such act? An if you can kindly share the punishments with us.

Your response would be respected. Anything you have to say i would truly appreciate
Time: Sunday March 27, 2011 at 9:00 pm

A: وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته
I appreciate you sending us this email. Your pain is greatly felt by all. Some problems pull the entire family into a hole of misery. Family chaos is from shaytan. It haunts and hurts people for many years to come. You must learn to detach yourself from the negatives — even though it maybe the most difficult thing for you to do.

  • The claim made to you that ‘you are not my kids’ has no legitimacy in itself. There is s general rule we live by, if you were ‘born on his bed,’ you are his child. To circumvent this claim would require more than a mere negative statement.
  • To accuse your mother as such is not just a sin. it remains a major sin. He would be held accountable for such a serious accusation.

*Although i understand your pain as it relates to the lack of support from your father. You must let parents resolve their own conflict. For parents to allow children into their mess is not fair and often viewed as cowardly. Such a distraction creates a lack of concentration for children in matters that relates to school, work, religion/spirituality, etc. I would say this to your mother: Mommy dear, we have a father that does not care for his children. If you wish to move away from such a man, we would be willing to support you. If your mother has a preference for such an adverse life style, be nice to her and let her be. When the time is right, your mother would act in  a manner that proves her positive wants.
*Although you want an outlining of the punishment that relates to your father, it would be more rewarding for you to focus on the little good he does and give him positive feedback without getting frustrated with his neglectful behavior. He is teaching you to become a stronger person. A true believer learns from every situation.  Take it as such.
Allah certainly Knows Best.

One response to “Parents must be fair and not drag children into parental matters

  1. AOA,

    Somebody might have done black magic on him to create fights at your home. As you are saying that he is a different person outside the house. Please perform istikhara to know the problem.