Q: (concern) Salam Alaykum Sheikh,
I have an “issue” and I am not sure how to handle address it. I am insanely jealous of any female that comes in contact with my future spouse (getting married in less then a month inshAllah). I am jealous of even elderly ladies talking to him, hijabi’s, and sometimes even his male friends who spend a lot of time with him… Forget 7urul 3een (those wide eyed women that men are supposed to get in Jennah)… It has nothing to do with trust because I trust my future spouse immensely..
How much is too much jealousy? Is there any hadith regarding this topic? Can I make him promise that he will ask to NOT get any 7urul 3een? I know there is no jealousy in the afterlife but right now… I do not know how to help or tame this feverish jealousy that just won’t boil down. Please let me know soon,
JazakAllah Khair in advance
Time: Wednesday April 27, 2011 at 4:57 am
A: و عليكم السلام و رحمة الله و بركاته
- Mild jealously (like mild stress) is healthy and sometimes beneficial to a relationship. Excess amounts of jealousy can hinder and stifle relational growth.
- Jealousy has many categories. Amongst them, i want the good you have, all the way to i do not want you to have what you have and i want it all for myself instead.
- Your jealousy seems to be the types wherein you want what you have and are seemingly afraid that he steer, even though you claim trust. Sometimes men set up this feeling in woman by telling woman how many woman love(d) them, flirt with them, etc. Do not let artificial demand/claims place you in a negative mode. If you are with a man that prides woman to race after him, you are dealing with an insecure man, in such an instance, you need to worry more about the more critical matters that apply to your relationship than that of jealousy and mere marriage.
- Hadith exist as to this tiopic. A mere example would be in the following area: Sayidutuna Aysha (RA) too used to get jealous regarding the Prophet (SWT). She once followed him (SAW) to Janatul Baqi thinking he (SAW) was elsewhere. So did the the other blessed woman (peace be upon them all) plan an event that was not positive due to their jealousy. (see surah tahreem.) One remarkable attribute was that they did not let their jealousy ruin any aspect of that which was noble and good.
- Younger woman (assuming you are young, for only younger folks seem to send me such questions) undergoing marriage for the first time do share such similar queries as it links to the ‘fever’ of jealousy. If he is a good person, do not let shaytan tangle with your mind and affect your peaceful state. Men do like woman that get jealous, it makes them feel special. In fairness, this notion goes both ways.
- For the long run, gain grasp as to the parameters of your relationship. When we do not know what we are getting into, it sometimes causes us to to focus and latch on to those parts we think we can control. So when i feel unappreciated or jealous, i always text, stalk the person, check up to see if they online, etc. In essence, we sometimes lose what we have as well as that which we intend to have due to fear or due to over wanting. Thus, get to know who you are and what the relationships really means to both of you.
- To much jealousy is when this jealously makes you paranoid, removes healthy thinking of you and him, distracts your work and prayers. Positive thoughts that bring a smile is always healthy.
- I do not know what you mean by 7urul3deen.
- In general, you should not make him make any promises. Generally promises are demanded when violations occur. Yes, you may outline your concerns, in the process if he makes a promise to you, then you are truly blessed. By the mere fact that he believes in the Quran and hadith and hopefully is a practitioner of it should function for you as a promise that he would be faithful to everything good he comes in contact with — including you.
- Once married, get a good hadith book on character, etc and read for 20 minutes each evening. This would strengthen your relational and spiritual bonds.It would help both of you of creating greater shared meaning to related values.
- There is no need for you to really hang around or extensively communicate with your your future husband. There is no harm in him talking to unattractive (old) ‘grandmas.’ You should be proud he cars for them. Till to me means he would care for you when you an old lady as well, Ameen.
- Wait till later for greater communication with him. This would reap immense benefits as a result of both your patience.
- May your wedding be blessed with simplicity and the sunnah, Ameen.
Allah Certainly Knows Best.