Do not touch my man!

Q: (concern) Salam Alaykum Sheikh,
I have an “issue” and I am not sure how to handle address it. I am insanely jealous of any female that comes in contact with my future spouse (getting married in less then a month inshAllah). I am jealous of even elderly ladies talking to him, hijabi’s, and sometimes even his male friends who spend a lot of time with him… Forget 7urul 3een (those wide eyed women that men are supposed to get in Jennah)… It has nothing to do with trust because I trust my future spouse immensely..
How much is too much jealousy? Is there any hadith regarding this topic? Can I make him promise that he will ask to NOT get any 7urul 3een? I know there is no jealousy in the afterlife but right now… I do not know how to help or tame this feverish jealousy that just won’t boil down. Please let me know soon,
JazakAllah Khair in advance
Time: Wednesday April 27, 2011 at 4:57 am
A: و عليكم السلام و رحمة الله و بركاته

  • Mild jealously (like mild stress) is healthy and sometimes beneficial to a relationship. Excess amounts of jealousy can hinder and stifle relational growth.
  • Jealousy has many categories. Amongst them, i want the good you have, all the way to i do not want you to have what you have and i want it all for myself instead.
  • Your jealousy seems to be the types wherein you want what you have and are seemingly afraid that he steer, even though you claim trust. Sometimes men set up this feeling in woman by telling woman how many woman love(d) them, flirt with them, etc. Do not let artificial demand/claims place you in a negative mode. If you are with a man that prides woman to race after him, you are dealing with an insecure man, in such an instance, you need to worry more about the more critical matters that apply to your relationship than that of jealousy and mere marriage.
  • Hadith exist as to this tiopic. A mere example would be in the following area: Sayidutuna Aysha (RA) too used to get jealous regarding the Prophet (SWT). She once followed him (SAW) to Janatul Baqi thinking he (SAW) was elsewhere.  So did the the other blessed woman (peace be upon them all) plan an event that was not positive due to their jealousy. (see surah tahreem.) One remarkable attribute was that they did not let their jealousy ruin any aspect of that which was noble and good.
  • Younger woman (assuming you are young, for only younger folks seem to send me such questions) undergoing marriage for the first time do share such similar queries as it links to the ‘fever’ of jealousy. If he is a good person, do not let shaytan tangle with your mind and affect your peaceful state. Men do like woman that get jealous, it makes them feel special. In fairness, this notion goes both ways.
  • For the long run, gain grasp as to the parameters of your relationship. When we do not know what we are getting into, it sometimes causes us to to focus and latch on to those parts we think we can control. So when i feel unappreciated or jealous, i always text, stalk the person, check up to see if they online, etc. In essence, we sometimes lose what we have as well as that which we intend to have due to fear or due to over wanting. Thus, get to know who you are and what the relationships really means to both of you.
  • To much jealousy is when this jealously makes you paranoid, removes healthy thinking of you and him, distracts your work and prayers. Positive thoughts that bring a smile is always healthy.
  • I do not know what you mean by 7urul3deen.
  • In general, you should not make him make any promises. Generally promises are demanded when violations occur. Yes, you may outline your concerns, in the process if he makes a promise to you, then you are truly blessed. By the mere fact that he believes in the Quran and hadith and hopefully is a practitioner of it should function for you as a promise that he would be faithful to everything good he comes in contact with — including you.
  • Once married, get a good hadith book on character, etc and read for 20 minutes each evening. This would strengthen your relational and spiritual bonds.It would help both of you of creating greater shared meaning to related values.
  • There is no need for you to really hang around or extensively communicate with your your future husband. There is no harm in him talking to unattractive (old)  ‘grandmas.’ You should be proud he cars for them. Till to me means he would care for you when you an old lady as well, Ameen.
  • Wait till later for greater communication with him. This would reap immense benefits as a result of both your patience.
  • May your wedding be blessed with simplicity and the sunnah, Ameen.

Allah Certainly Knows Best.

2 responses to “Do not touch my man!

  1. Noor Ul-Hasan

    As-salaam-alaikum sister. After being married for many years, I would like to give you some motherly advice. If your future husband-to-be in someway behaves in a way that attracts women towards him then you should discuss his duty as a Muslim and your husband to adjust the way he interacts with women. If he is a very attractive male and has not much control then you just have to develop a real trust for him and not show your jeolousy because this will cause major problems in your marriage. No matter how much you say you trust him, they way you act about your jealousy will affect him and he will feel he needs to hide the most innocent of interactions with females because you will put it out of proportion. With maturity, age and a developed marriage you will let go of these things but, the first 3 years of marriage is critical and trust is a major staple of the basis of a good marriage. A tool I use is, I find that when I am going to get angry that if I say “Allah-o-akbar” loudly that I can subside my anger; maybe you can ask the Imam for a prayer that will help you subside your jeolousy as you realize it to be at the boiling point before it even being known to your husband. I know there is a prayer for when you are angry and you are supposed to sit and drink a glass of water, etc. but, I forget this when I get angry so, I have found my own way. Also, there are not too many men that like controlling women so, please, please, please for the sake of your new marriage let your husband know what you need to feel secure enough to know that he is your man and not ever somebody elses. In the case of eldery women, Imam said is best, it shows his respect for women and your mother and his mother which will be a future scope of how he will treat you in old age, Alhumdu-lillah. The Imam has given sound advice. We women need to know our shortcomings and learn to ovecome them when we are sharing our lives with another. Of course, it is okay to let your husband know that daily affection would make you know that he cares for you much more than these other acquantenances, relatives, friends, etc. Things do change after marriage for both a man and woman and he should probably not keep friendships with other women outside of you. In other words, no dinners, or outings with groups that include his women friends or women friends alone if you are not included. Just my advice to help you start your marriage on a good step and a suggestion to prevent some valid jeolousy. You don’t want to be fighting over this your first year of marriage. It should be the best time of your life and build understanding, love and affection between both of you. I hope you take this as aunty advice from someone who has been married for over 15 years and it helps. May Allah (swt) bless you with a long and happy marriage. Ameen.
    Jazakullah Khair

  2. Brain thought

    Salam alykum Sheikh,
    Jazaakum Allahu khair for addressing this question, May Allah SWT reward you abundantly. I myself currently in the same state(so Jelous of my future hubby); however, mine is different from the above sister. mine was married before. whenever i see him texting, email or on the phone, the only thought comes up to me is, “he is talking to his ex”. I have done some readings for months about how sayyidatuna Aisha (RA) overcame this matter, but still i cant get over it and it is affecting me psychologically. I have no problem him talking to the people i know, but i do get very jelous when it comes to his ex. how can I overcome this? because my future spouse has to keep intouch with his ex.in addition, you mentioned earlier that men likes when women show jelousy, but I don’t think mine enjoys it; it bothers him alot.