my past comes back to haunt me … sadly you are not alone sister

Q: AsSalamu alaikum brother

Please i need some advice.I have big problems, which i feel shy to tell anyone. I want to ask the shaikh please to make dua for me. My marriage breaks, i need some advice.

I`m a convert muslima,alhamdulilah practicing. I am German and my husband is from Qatar. I left my country in *Germany for Allah and I start to live with my husband in Qatar.

When i met my husband i told him i had a relation in my jaahiliya.he accepted. When he asked me about my jahilya i lied. I didnt tell him the truth. One shaikh told me, that i dont need to answer about question from my past, because Allah ta`ala forgave me inshaAllah my sins from my past, becoz i entered islam. My husband was asking me what i did with my boyfriend and i told him, because he started to force me to do so. Later when this shaikh said, i can lie just to not make problems, coz my husband wanted to divorce me, so to not let shaytan between us and bring us together he said i am allowed to lie. so i lied. Now he has problems, coz he is saying how you said first he touched you and so on, and than later you said no he didnt. Right now i lied, and i made the problem bigger than it is.
May Allah forgive me if i did something wrong. I Love my deen, i fear Allah and i am afraid to loose my husband, i love my husband and i am 2 monath pregnant now.

Please can you answer my question. Please i ask you to make dua for me. Ask Allah for me my brother and ask Allah to give me and my husband hidaya. I want to stay with my husband. What can i do now, to make the problems less, i dont want to loose my husband. Please answer my question, it is really inportant and i don`t have any chance here in Germany. I am in Germany now, my husband doesnt want to divorce me, but he wants to leave me here with my (grand) parents. I don`t want that, i want to be with him.

JazakAllahu khair
Xxxxxxx (name omitted- please note that we have changed names, places, and other leading data. We have not edited the grammar of your query nor its spelling)

Answers: وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته

I appreciate your case being forwarded to me. The details of one sided emails are not always clear. Underlying factors must be examined. There seems to be areas that are not being mentioned. Thus, I would take all what you are saying at face value.

Reality as it relates to Fiqh and its twists:

May Allah bless you for all the sacrifices you have made.

  • Your husband was wrong to ask for details beyond the necessary as it relates to your past.  It was sufficient for him to know: ‘i had a relation in my (days of) jaahiliya.’ The details of such a relationship should have not been divulged. For him to persist was zulm (oppression) and haram. Allah (SWT) allows for certain things to be concealed. Allah (SWT) knows of our emotional weaknesses, your husband should have respected this religious right of yours.
  • The sheiks original advice was correct. He should have also assisted you on how to deal with this matter. The sheik is correct that certain types of lies can be mentioned to safeguard a relationship.
  • As for myself, I do not recommend people to lie, for lying generally leads to greater havoc. I prefer to assist people with honesty and dealing with the matter more diplomatically. It would have been better for you to not speak on this sensitive matter, delay the response by a few days and request the sheik to speak on your behalf.
  • If your husband threatened divorce by saying the following: ‘if you do not tell me everything, then Talaq would take place,’ in such a situation you had little choice but to safeguard your marriage. In such an instance you would have to choose between husband and divorce. Lying would result in living under the banner of adultery (major sin which now makes all the children produced illegitimate) and honesty would result in divorce (also a sin but not as a result of it being your current fault.)

Our help to you:

  • In dealing with similar cases, knowing the culture of your spouse, I sense that your husband is dealing with the fact that another man besides him has had priority in touching you. Some men cannot deal with this in an effective manner. When dating or during early days of marriage, people out of lust fall for a person and accept them as they are. With the passage of time, some men resent their initial choices. Your husband seemingly is this category.
  • Explain to him that most of the wives of prophet (SAW) were married to other men prior to marrying him (SAW). Proof does not exist that in any of his (SAW) marriages the past was ever brought up as it relates to sensitive information. In Islam, a man is allowed to get jealous that his wife is flirting or displaying herself to other men in wrongful ways. A female sometimes has a preference that her husband gets jealous for it makes her feel more wanted/appreciated/cherished/loved. Such jealousy is normal and sometimes even healthy and contributes towards additional relational satisfaction. Your case is not filled with the possible form of ‘petty jealousy’ but rather as a serious bout of an adverse past that is now affecting both your current relational status and its future.
  • In Islam we cannot however get angry about a spouses premarital error(s). Nor should a person delve into that which is unnecessary. Being pregnant requires greater effort on both your parts. You must convince him that the past is over. You have nothing to do with your past lover or ‘lover(s)’.Convince him that you are willing to make this relationship/marriage work. You trust him and are not going to use his past against him; likewise, he too must reciprocate this state of affairs. If he persists on having you stay abroad, I would recommend that for the safety of your health and the health of your child you seek immediate in-person counseling from your local qualified social department or mufti. Kindly show him your email to us as well as our response for an in-depth evaluation as to how to proceed in light of your husband, child, and yourself.

We truly wish you all the best. Do call upon us for further assistance. May Allah (SWT) resolve your matters and give back to you your days of happiness and joy. Ameen.

Allah Certainly Knows Best

* Country names have been changed to protect the identity of persons; likewise, we have added a few pieces of information so as to give you your due privacy.

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