my wife cheated on me

Q: As Salaamu Alaikum Sheikh, I was married and my wife cheated on me (I caught her with another man SUB’HANA ALLAH!, she had all my trust MashaAllah, but guess what? sadly, this is what I had to end up seeing).I tried to calm myself down before I whooped that individual (the man), and Alhamdulelloh I was able to control my anger and all I said to him was, leave my place asap!. the sister did not say a word to me because she got caught off guard and did not try to explain herself; and honestly, I couldn’t confront her because i thought i would have done something that would have harmed her due to my anger and jealousy; and she never spoke to me the entire week (we stayed in the same house and in the same bed, but didn’t talk after the incident). couple of days later, I had to talk to her about it but she did not tell me the truth and I kept encountering weird things about her; for instance, when I called her, she did not answer, not interested in adult relations, having thousands of

excuses on why she doesn’t answer my calls, not time for me but friends and family. The situation continued like this for almost a year. She wanted a divorce and I tried to walk things out for the sake of my daughter, even though it would have been the opposite (me wanting to divorce her after all these) but she insisted and finally we are divorced. Here comes the questions Sheikh, what is the Islamic perspective on cheating on your spouse, and what could I have done better after all I did and still she didn’t want me? For the sake of my daughter, is it okay if I move on with my life and find a potential spouse and remarry? Some of my friends and family members have been telling me that I will abandon my daughter if I remarry and that is bad in front of Allah? But what I don’t understand is this, I have tried many years since we have been divorced to be with her for the sake of my precious daughter but the sister rejected it; how would that be bad in front of Allah for having a
child with her makes me not move on with my life and remarry? Alhamdollellah that you are here Sheikh to solve issues the Muslims are facing. May the Almighty reward you; Amin.
Time: Monday March 21, 2011 at 9:21 pm

A:وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته

  • Letters like yours are generally seeking solace from the pain you have underwent through a rough patch in your life. In all fairness, people do not just cheat, there must be an opportunity or need for them to do so. Although i do not advocate cheating, for greater relational success, you must reflect as to where you went wrong. I hope your ex would do likewise.
  • You seem to be suffering from letting go. This happens when we invest a lot of our emotional energies into a relationship — more so a failed relationship. The reality is this: the relationship is over and you must let go for greater contentment of the heart and mind. Somethings are not worth an extended cry. Likewise, it would be foolish to not learn from mistakes. Our duty in life is to marry the best person we can marry. If things do not work out, so long as we become better people, learn from our errors, we can say we did our duty.
  • What type of man wishers to be with a woman that was caught in bed with a another man? Child or no child, you need to have some dignity for yourself. (I say this in light of current diseases, etc. )
  • Learn to detach, cherish your relationship with your child and move on to a lifestyle choice that would better enhance your quality of existence.
  • As for moving on, if you respect and assist your daughter in developing the proper religious ways, you have little to fear. When tthe time is right, marry a woman that shares your family values. I am glad you have a daughter and not a son, this would make bonding between mother and step daughter a little more easier. Do not let fear rule your life.
  • Sometimes we have good thoughts, in reality, these thoughts seem good but are abhorring. They are embedded with fear and adverse provocations from shaytan only to cause fear and turbulence in our minds. In light of current relational maters as they linked to health, you have done the correct thing to not be with a cheater, this should prove healthy for you and your child — but from a possible health point of you as well as a spiritual point of view. Your need better, and you must become stronger to attain better.
  • Sadly, i see weakness in you. A man must be a man once the dust settles. Your weakness is fine for now. You do need strength to move on.

Allah Certainly Knows Best.

p.s. a friend doing ifta said to me the following:’ up to 95% of all querries i deal with husband/wife, inlaw and parent and child issues.’ Our site sadly seems no different!

3 responses to “my wife cheated on me

  1. Brother! she cheated on you (ok maybe she had easy chances), she didn’t talk to you for a week (ok, maybe she was sooo embarrassed), she treated you badly for about a year (FOR WHAT! for acting calmly with the horrible deed she did), then she asks you for divorce? really! on top of it? I don’t know her, I can’t judge her, and I wish her guidance from Allah, but no matter what, she had(hopefully no longer has) some bloody harsh and messy manners that needed to be straightened up, and as believers striving to be strong you should have made it clear for her that what she did was very terrible, wretched and unacceptable, so she never thinks that what she did wasn’t bad after all. Like that made me ANGRY!
    btw, did she even care to apologize?! it came down to the point where we care about her apology when she cheated!
    Brother, move on, life is too short to think about the past. there are a few good and brave sisters, you know how you can find them? you go to the masjid, not that you can find them there, but you might find their fathers, brothers, not MSA events; unless if they are really MUSLIM Student Association events, and you should try some Arabic tips (Arabs have good stuff sometimes) send you mother, or sister, and Allah will bring you the one that will better fit your intentions .. just make the intention and Allah Will absolutely support you.
    May Allah enlighten you.

    • Someone is not happy that a woman is doing things she should not be doing. May men also be protected from such wrongs.
      Getting lots of remarks on MSA. I just do not care to create any more embarrassment beyond that which has seemingly already been created. But why was MSA dragged into this comment? What is with the ‘arabic tips (Arabs have good stuff sometimes)’ stuff? Are you folks speaking in code again so I do not understand what is happening on a site that I am to be part of!
      You have made a few good points. Ameen to your last two sentences.

  2. I am sure you are a very lucky man that u found out about this regarding your daughter i think u r a good father but now its time u learn from your experience and work on getting a God fearing wife .
    I see weakness in u and i think u have to put your life in proper order . start from reminding yourself no one deserves this .
    If she would have been around you , you would be her bit** . ( dont take me wrong )
    i had to use these hard words to get sence in to you . life is too short act now .
    Instead of feeling sorry for your self thank ALLAH that she has nothing to do with your daughter upbringing .

    and if u need any feed back on how to deal with girls just write denmark