Q: Assalamu alikum sheikh,
I’m turning (age not disclosed by our site, however over 18) in a few days and I have been masturbating for more than 10 years. I was sexually harassed by a male cousin when I was 9 or 8. The harassment was done by the same person couple times, as a child, I was threatened to say a word about it. Then the news came out, and my mother found out, and she was in a shock that she stopped letting me be around my cousin, but she never told my dad until this day, I asked her if it was okay to cry while praying, and she said cry to Allah so he forgives you insha’Allah. So I went to my aunt and told her about her son, she got concerned and believed me, and she told him to stop, she couldn’t do much because a chaos would have started. When I was 9 to 10, I started masturbating, my parents found out, they threatened me, but didn’t do anything, I didn’t stop because it became like part of satisfying a need inside of me. As I grew older, I started doing the horribly shameful act with my cousins that are girls, then we started blaming each other, so i felt really bad and decided to quit, but I was never able to quit, it always comes back to me, and I feel so weakened to obey its demands. There were times that I felt so guilty to the point were I felt like chocking myself after doing it, but I never knew it was Haram. then I did other things, like relationships with guys through internet chats. The point of the data I presented is that sexual acts have been haunting me in my dreams, my prayers, my school lectures, it is torturing me imam until this day, and I never knew how to fight it back. I stopped watching anything that’s has the least bit of sexual attraction, I stopped being around guys or talk to them unless it’s an extreme necessary so I don’t fall for anything horrible. I figured masturbating is Haram, but What can I do to repent? because I feel like I lived half of my life in a major disgusting sin not realizing it?…Reading your post (https://islaminaction.wordpress.com/2011/02/27/not-just-a-western-country-issue-anymore )made me recall everything.
Is there a hope for me?. Please reply as soon as you can!
Jazakum Allah khair
Answers: وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته
- Although I am not seeking any added details, the word ‘harassed’ as used by you seems to imply other unwanted connotations. If a crime had been perpetrated upon you, according to USA law you may still have recourse.
- I cannot respond to every part of your email. Suffice to say, you need therapy from qualified people that understand you, your culture and your religion. This would possibly ensure greatest assistance to your well-being.Your mother took part in a partial violation of parental rights. This matter should have been discussed in a rational an fair manner with your father or a people that could have best represented you.
- I do not understand why you must cry to Allah (SWT) for an action you did not perpetrate. The tears that you need to share remain due to self gratification methods you are currently utilizing or have used in recent times. This is a separate matter to the one of being ‘harassed.’
- I admire the aunt for stopping her son from being around you. Not knowing his age, we cannot comment any further. Kindly see first paragraph above.
- As for the other details, you are not alone. Many more than you are involved in the lewd actions of ‘self-gratification.’ At least you remain willing to change. This is a good thing. Not changing would affect the development of your future as it relates to ‘adult’ related behavior(s). It is best for you to clean up your act prior to greater levels of chaos in your life.
Your hope remains in part by reading the following facts: https://islaminaction.wordpress.com/2009/06/13/differance-between-tawba-and-istigfaar
Allah Certainly Knows Best.
P.s. In all honesty, your email is not the first. I generally think people talk about the above to better get it out of their ‘system.’ We request others that have similar comments/queries to not always expect us to place such issues online. In complying with USA laws, such cases must be handled as the law demands so as to eliminate accusation of promoting lewd behavior. Kindly seek the help from appropriate sources without making matters worse for you and your family.