some things are better appreciated if waited for

Q: Asalamualaykum,
I am really confused and hope you can help me. I hope to marry a guy from college that I have known for more than a year. we both wish to get married and we both have told our parents. Mine and his parents are allowing our relationship but both wish for us to be more older. We are 18 and they want us to be about 24. Me and and guy wish to have a nikah without a wali because if I tell my father he will not agree to let me have a nikah done. I do not wish to do more sins with this guy and i wish to have a halal relationship with him as husband and wife. we wish to have a nikah with 2 male witness and dowry in a mosque. would this be valid?

JazakAllah

Time: Sunday February 20, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Q: Asalamualaykum,

I would like to please ask you a question and would appreciate it if you could help me.
I am a woman of 18years of age and I would like to marry a guy from college who is also 18 years of age. We both wish to get married. we have told out parents about each other, my family is accepting the relationship and so are his parents. We want to have a nikah done but our parents say its to early the would want us married at 24. i understand our parents as marriage is a big responsibility and alot should be considered but we truly feel nikah would make us feel lighter and take the guilt of doing haram away. The guy and I wish to have a nikah done without my father who will be the wali. my parents are happily accepting this guy and so are his ALHAMDULILAH, its just they are concerned about the age which is understandable. the issue is that me and the guy dont want to do haram and be in a relationship without being one with ALMIGHTY ALLAH S.W.T’s blessings.. The guy and I do not wish to do sin more and wish to have a nikah done to make our relationship halal. Later on we wish to get married officialy with our parents consent.
please tell me is this nikah valid? as we have no choice both our parents will not agree to nikah until we reach 24 and we do not wish to sin further. please keep in mind that our parents know about this relationship and have not rejected it.

Thank you,

(Name withheld)

Time: Wednesday February 23, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Answers: وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته

Based on what you have said, it appears that both set of parents are sending mixed messages towards their children. In the process calling for parental devastation — heaven or hell. As parents, their response is seemingly childlike and naive. How can a moral set of parents allow for a relationship between desiring couples but not marriage within the same time period for their offspring? To allow communication between desiring (loving) youth that have their desires (shahawaat) at peak levels but not want immediate marriage for them is to beg Allah (SWT) for misguidance. It is like sleeping on fire and expecting a night of coolness.

If the relationship is viewed as incorrect, parents must put a stop to it. If the bonding between these families remains compatible than both set of parents should assist within the boundaries of religion to end sins associated with this relationship and allow for marriage. To deny marriage and yet allow relational interaction functions as a direct result of spiritual decay. Such mixed messages often leads to the promotion of promiscuity. Due to yours age, you would be sinful as well as your parents. How can a boy and girl be together, have a relationship for 6 years and not perpetrate the act adultery remains inconceivable in current times.

*In an Islamic country, the answer to your query would be as follows: one can do a nikah. All major Imaams of the past would also agree that such a nikah would not be viewed optimal to your faith. However, lacking parental consent calls for the Nikah to be an act of ‘repulsion.’ Based on your age (18) waiting and maturing your skills may be a more better thing to do. Be it academic skills, home economic skills, etc.

I would request the following:
*Wait till age 24 and have nothing to do with the intended spouse. This would help you better focus on your future goals. It would also prove to you his faithfulness.
*If you both insist upon marriage, than merely sit down and talk the matter over with your parents and attain their support.
*Ask your parents as to why they have a resistance to marriage but not the current dating-like relationship? Is it more than them wanting both of you to complete college? Is parental lack of approval also related to economic concerns they have for the both of you? If so, their concern would be valid. In such an instance both of you would need to attain a plan to counter the parental argument. (Have you both even seen the cost of renting a home? Possible medical bills associated with pregnancy? Food expenses? Yes, Allah provides, no one denies this point, but than again, how punctual are you with your other religious duties to pull the ‘Allah provides’ claim upon me?)
Added note:
I cannot see how an average 18 year old in today’s economy can adequately support himself let alone someone else. I think rather than marriage, you both need to secure your academic and economic interests under the banner of religion. After-all, it is apparent that you do care about religion, so start your genuine focus upon it, so as to remove the distraction of marriage. Your problem has possibly been as a result of unwanted/extended socialization with him. Also, at 18 things look so great — possible graduation from High School, seeing friends going to prom parties, romantic flicks, friends getting married, etc. I agree each of these may remain insignificant, yet they do have a combined affect on a persons psyche. Some of these occurrences make our youth feel lonely, thus when they get the first opportunity of fulfilling relational bond — without at times knowing better, they opt for it.
Although i appreciate marriage instead of facilitating an illicit relationship, you must also ask yourself the following: can we both afford to get married? Usually such marriages are filled with financial and social catastrophes. These catastrophes hinder the growth of the ‘once positive relationship’ and results in greater social and procreational harms — eliminating in the future all the pleasures you seem to be experiencing right now. I would really reconsider the decision for an immediate marriage if adultery could be abstained between the both of you.
I really wish both your families the very best in this critical decision making process, Ameen.
Allah Certainly Knows Best.

One response to “some things are better appreciated if waited for

  1. worried mother

    As-salaam-alaikum. Ah, youth. As a mother, I was once also a young girl finding marriage to be a wonderful life to share with someone. In fact, I once asked my father to get me a ring on my finger when he returned from overseas, at the age of 16, and he came back with just a ring from him and no marriage prospect. He was wise, he told me to get my education and there will always be an opportunity to marry but, once you have children then you will not have education which knowledge gives you freedom and also the ability to take care of yourself if it is needed; unfortunate situations do happen. I married later at the age of 26, I didn’t date, had friends to do things with, mostly other single girls also looking to be educated first. Never go against your parents unless they are telling you something against Islam, my first advice. As Imam says, talk to them, tell them it is haram for you to date this guy and it would be best to do nikah instead of zinah. I am sure that they think your infactuation will be gone soon and they are humoring you both but, they need to know that there is temptation to the next physical step in your relationship which should not be considered with Muslims as an option without marriage. However, take a couple of months away from each other FIRST, concentrate on school and see if you can go without marriage or dating. Love is a very complicated thing and lust is a totally other thing. At your young ages, marriage seems to be so beautiful but, as I indicated, I went on to graduate high school and got my degree and I was more mature to manage the relationship of marriage at 26. I am sure if you go onto college and are only a year away from graduation, age 20 or 21 then, you would get consent to marry. Marriage is not just about 2 people in love, it takes work, and as you are growing up into a woman, many things will change in your life and how you look at life. Take the time to know yourself better. As a mother, I would wish this for my daughter for Islam gives rights to woman and encourages the women getting educated and seeking knowledge. Don’t sell yourself short to marriage that will undoubtedly get you to become a young mother. There is nothing wrong with young mothers, but, first know what you can do with your life. An educated mother can navigate in the American world better with her children, i.e. school conferences, friends of the children and parents, guiding the child to Muslim life in an Ameican world, communicating in all forms, etc. Two well thought adults who become parents are better prepared for this harsh world. So, in addition to the financial responsibilities that the Imam has indicated, consider these things too.
    Jazakullah-Khair