youth just wants to settel down

Q: Assalamu’alaikum. I have read multiple posts about love & marriage, but do not feel as if I have read an answer that can directly correlate to my situation.

I have a lot of love, respect, and admiration for a Muslim revert and he makes me truly happy. Despite knowing the dangers of relationships and men, I engaged in a relationship with him. I know it is sinful but I always tried to keep my intentions pure. I have experienced multiple abuses by the men in my life so it was finally a relief to have some kind of support outside of my family. Although I love my family very  much, and I know that they have the best intentions for me, sometimes I endure unintentional hardships.

I tried to express my love for this man to my parents as he asked for my hand in marriage and desired to meet my parents. However, due to the fact that he is a revert – my parents are unwilling to meet him. There is no substantial excuse that they have except for the mere fact that they deny his Iman, although they haven’t met him yet and wish for him to be a born muslim. My brothers adore him and think that he is exactly what I need in my life. With each day, I feel like things are getting better and that they are coming to terms with him. However, there are times where my mother falls ill from depression and thinking about what people in society will think, etc.

I disagree with their reasoning because they refuse to even meet him and only have frail arguments such as: what will people in society think, my grandchildren will have christian grandparents, and that he is “cheating” and does not have true love for me. Their arguments make no sense to me and I don’t know how to try to explain things to them. Sure, my in laws would be christian but they’re goodhearted and open-minded people. Infact, they encourage his faith in Islam and wish to learn more about it. His mother even has a desire to learn Arabic and studies Islam. I have so much love, admiration, and respect for my parents. I wish they’d try to understand. I don’t know what to do. I know if they just met him once, they’d love him. How can I try to smooth matters out so that we can all be happy? Time: Sunday January 9, 2011 at 8:17 pm
A: وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته

  • It seems like you have tried to convince your parents. Racist claims would not function as a legal basis for preventing a marriage in Islam. Nor would the claim: ‘what would people think’ function as a sane/sound response to a marital matter.
  • To live in adultery is not accepted according to all religiously proclaimed standards.
  • Getting married would be your best option, for it would take you out of of the boundaries of adulatory.
  • We do not encourage marriage without parental consent, however, when such a necessity arises, doing so in exchange of wrongful interaction would call for its permissibility.

Allah Certainly Knows Best.
p.s. Kindly do not view the above response as our promoting promiscuity or disobedience towards parents. It is a mere response based on the parameters given to us by religion.
kindly view: parental consent.

One response to “youth just wants to settel down

  1. As-salaam-alaikum. Being ,a mother, I can understand your situation to honor your parents and what your mother fears about talk in the community. I, myself, would prefer my daughter to marry of the same culture just so that the marriage would be easier with the same language, food, traditions and already basic knowledge of Islam for the future grandchildren. However, having indicated this, in my heart, I would prefer my daughter marries a convert (that is what you mean right when you say revert?) that is going to practice Islam, has CHOSEN Islam, and will honor my daughter according to Islam. Born Muslims are not always the best choices for marriage if they do not practice Islam at all. I would appeal to your parents that, Islam begin with all converts and those people married and so on, we are spreading the word of Islam by having good people come to our faith that believe in it and want to practice it, isn’t that what is most important? However, I would not have someone convert for the sake of marriage, this sometimes just becomes a way to marry so, if he is already a convert, practicing Islam or trying to learn our faith, then that is good. If not, I would have him convert, practice Islam for sometime, fast, learn prayers, attend Jummah (meet other Muslims in the community), etc. and then he could not be denied as a good marriage prospect for you. Meanwhile, have patience with your parents, we older generation take some time to change our old fashioned ways. Imam is very scholarly on this matter and you must always marry with the permission of your parents but, try a bit harder in the manner I indicated and not expect them to change overnight. If you are truly meant to be together by the Grace of Allah (swt) it will happen for our partner is already chosen for us. Meanwhile, pray to Allah (swt) to help you.