its not always mother-in-laws, it can be mommys too!

Q: Salammun Alikum Sheikh,
If my mother makes evil duas constantly against me and my siblings for the simplest mistakes we make, are we gonna be punished accordingly? For instance, “You guys are stupid, and may Allah blind you for your stupidity!”, “What type of creature are you! May Allah put down your luck and show you the torture you’re putting me in!“..When we do good, we hardly hear her saying good duas until we beg her for it. My mother is very nice and sensitive, but she gets angry very easily and she goes way off for a week! she refuses if we want to correct her. She makes me very depressed and angry from the inside to the point that I can feel my blood boiling! and I can never express it so I just keep it. this routine  has been going for such a looong time that my father doesn’t react any more, he supports her. When she’s mad, everything gets upside down, she won’t accept explanations, she won’t accept apologies to the point that I gave up on apologizing to her because it only makes her ruder.

She makes me question what makes her so valuable other than Allah’s demand? how can I over come this horror and frustrations she puts me in? how can I tell her that I am old enough to comprehend what she wants me to do instead of just being angry and waiting for me to put the puzzle together? if it wasn’t for Allah’s sake, I would have became careless about everything she says or does. Since I have some hope left, please Sheikh tell me how so I don’t give up on her and become one cursed child of her! We don’t talk to each other since last night, and we just got done from a fight last week.
a fact: she influences my attitude and I involuntarily act like her when I am angry! now I loose control so bad that my sisters hate me when I am mad. I became so evil that I cannot stand myself!
A university student who’s taking hard core classes,

an advice for eveyrone: Thank Allah if your mother says blessed duas for you at leat twice a week!

Time: Friday December 3, 2010 at 11:34 am
A: وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته

  • Become more sensitive  in how you behave around her, make less unwanted mistakes.
  • A mothers curse is generally a rebuke towards a given wrong. A parents curse would go through if you did a wrong and refused to correct that wrong or seek forgiveness for it. A parents curse fails if it is unjustified. Allah is Just, and He only accepts the curses that have religious parameters associated with Justice and Fairness.
  • Some mothers suffer grief, etc. thus they cannot give positive feedback. This should not be viewed as a bad thing. It should make you stronger in your worship of Allah. Life is not filled with praises, thus, her not doing so should assist in preparing you for real world affairs. A believer looks for positives in everything.
  • Behavior is learned. She may have been learned it all from her parents, thus she may not know better.
  • Your house is a blessing; imagine the one that does not have a mother at all. Yet you only focus on your mothers’ negatives. Yet we know the hadith well: on matters of the world, look at those beneath us so we can appreciate life, and on matters of spirituality, look at those better than us so we can improve. Yet, you chose to focus on the negatives and you have let a person’s negatives affect your spirituality.
  • Learn the significance of sending salutations to the prophet (SWT) for a greater ‘cooling affect’ when you feel down.
  • True success comes with understanding the purpose of life. You have not understood the purpose of life as it ought to be understood from a relational perspective, thus you let people affect you. People should only affect us when we know we have wronged. This latter type of guilt is from Allah helping us become better.
  • Ask yourself, what truth and benefit can i derive from my mother’s words. Out of every 1000 words of hate, i am sure you can learn from at least 10 of them. Take this as a motherly gift. When she leaves (may she live a long life ameen) these 10 words would be most cherished. This would help with limiting your depression. Focus of good. Shaytan wants the opposite. Whose side are you? shaytan? or the ten good words of mommy??
  • Your questioning of ‘what makes her so valuable’ is from shaytan. This is how shaytan works. Today you question her, yet little do you realize you are questioning Allah’s Quran, the prophet, let. Next it can even lead to questioning the validity of Allah. Let this evil thoughts escape you now!
  • Fact: No one person alone influences you. Sometimes we choose to be influenced because we like to cry victim. In the real world, this does not work. Welcome to reality 101 from the desk of the Imaam.

Allah Certainly Knows Best.


2 responses to “its not always mother-in-laws, it can be mommys too!

  1. For sure, I am on mommy’s side. I wish I had known that being a little more sensitive, being a little more appreciative, being, a little more patient and fighting Shaytan’s thoughts back. She even listens to my complains more closely. Now that I am on my school break, I am able to find out the things that bothered her the most. There were new things that came about because I am getting “older” that I wasn’t aware of. Jazakum Allah so much khair Imam for you sincere words of help.

  2. Assalamu aleikun
    My parents are both illiterate what sometimes makes difficult for me to gain the support that I would like to receive and everything that was suppose to be done by them, when related to reading is done by me, and sometimes it’s exhausting having to deal all the things in the house (all appointments, taking care of my little brother’s school, help them with homework and also teach them read the Quran.. going to the supermarket to check prices…) with my school and my studies of our religion .. but however .. I thought even if my mum is illiterate it was her who every morning wake me up, gave me bath and food and took me to school every single day until I could do it by myself, as if it was her who was going to study. There are some persons that dont have acess to education in their home country, as in my case but Allah gave them the intentions and courage to look for ways in order that for their childs (me and my brothers) could have what they didnt have in their pasts. And indeed this fact makes me give more value to knowledge, a more organised and responsible person. Always Thank the Creator for having what you have and look always for the positive things that you have in your life and in the persons around you

    (the comment may have come a bit late)