man that feels he got tricked

Question: Salaam,

I live in USA and about 8 months ago I got married in Pakistan. because I live in usa and my wife is in pakistan therefore we have only spent one month together on our honeymoon. I have applied for her visa and waiting for her to be here.

In these 8 months we gave all the love to each other I always considered my wife as the biggest reward from Allah SWT.

I told my wife that I am a virgin and saved all of my dreams for her (wife). However, I had some bad feelings about my wife’s past that I really wanted to know and she always refused to share that with me. Last week, she told me the truth that about a year and half ago she was in a physical relationship with another man for the last 6 years. She told me that they wanted to marry and that’s why got physical and she didnt see anything wrong with that. Their relationship came to an end when another girl came into the life of that man.

She told me that she repented from her wrong doing and prayed to Allah to find her a nice husband and then after I came into her life as a husband.

After finding about her past for a week I couldn’t sleep and eat properly. My dreams are shattered and I am feeling that I am going through the hell in life. Because I loved her so much that I still decide to move on in life especially because that was her past and she has repented from it but then I talk about her past and how it hurts me all the time.

I want to move on in life by forgetting the past but then whenever I try to give her love I feel like she may not need that because has already received all of that from her old relationship. I don’t think I can ever forgive her for what she had done in the past.

I really don’t know what to do, I don’t want to talk about her past to her because that’s wrong, and by doing that I am hurting her and reminding her about her past. But where should I go, to whom should I show my pain because I don’t want anybody to know about her past if she remains my wife then I want people to give her respect.

Advise for those brothers who think that they can find a better girl in Afghanistan/Pakistan/Somalia/Iraq/Bosnia but not in America, I think they should change their thinking level and approach because I am hurt because of that.

Anyway can you please advise me what should I do when I know that she is still giving me all the love, all the attention and all of her time so that I can come over on these feelings and forget about her past and move on for better present and future.

Time: Saturday July 17, 2010 at 11:52 am

Answer: وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته

*Since she has changed her ways, it is better that you be with a person that has changed from bad to good than start afresh with possibly someone else that could cause you the repeated pain. After all, nothing is certain.

*Your reward would be for your patience, the love you show to her despite your pain is most rewarding. If she has truly changed, there would be no harm in being with her. I am sure she would reciprocate kindness in kind.

*If you feel there is a possibility of abuse as result of this relationship, then it would be best for you to exit this relationship now instead of later when the pain could be greater for both sides, notwithstanding the possibility of children.

*Beg Allah for his Mercy and love. Allah is the changer of hearts. Beg him to change both your hearts towards his greater compliance.

*Both of you should click here.

Allah Certainly Knows Best.

p.s. In all fairness, men have been doing the same thing to woman for years. Sure, we cannot justify her behavior, what goes around comes around.

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