Q: I seek for your knowledge and advice throughout this difficult time in my life. here is my story…Last year around March 2009, my uncle (mothers brother) told my parents about a boy that they wanted to introduce to me. His name is L***,he is 25 years old and lives in XYZ . My parents agreed to this and I did as well and we started communicating via email and phone. My uncle knows his family pretty well and he also knows about his past. When L was 18 he was involved in a situation where him and his cousins were being attacked by a set of guys. L took something from his garage and sprayed the guys who were trying to attack him and his cousins. and then he got arrested and now has an Assault charge on his record. He learned his lesson and was never involved back in a situation like that again. Since then he is an even stronger Muslim and is very involved in the Islamic community. My uncle respects the person he is and really likes his character. My parents were aware of what L did from before him and I ever spoke and said they will not look down at him for that and will get to know
him for who he is.
Him and I spoke on the phone for 2.5 months before meeting. And then we all took a trip toXYZ as a family to meet L and His family. Our families got along very well and Him and I were very happy to finally meet and wanted to continue our relationship. We spent 2 weeks in XYZ. Both families were accepting to our relationship. We still continued to get to know each other on phone until we made another trip to XYZ last yr September to spend Eid ul fitr with my moms family and Ls family. It went wonderfully and that is when our families and L and I talked about us getting married. It was agreed and our wedding date was set to July this year. After leaving XYZ we began wedding planning. In early November we were all on a conference call (my parents and I with L and his parents) about the banquet hall we were to book for our wedding. L and I got into a disagreement about the location and my parents were on the phone listening to our conversation. After hearing the disagreement my parents called off the wedding. The disagreement was due to the location of the wedding and price of the wedding, and because it is to be in XYZ my family and I wanted a place that was convenient, and L and his family had a lot on t heir guest list so it was hard for them to afford that particular hall. My parents called off the wedding because they were upset with L and also upset with his parents. L and I worked out our issue and wanted to move forward, but my parents still do not. It has been over 9 months and my parents completly hate him. They constantly say bad things about him and said they will never accept him. Ive tried talking to them but the arguements get completly out of hand. L and I love each other very much and are trying very hard to be patient throughout this process in hopes of my parents coming around and accepting us again. Him and his parents try to call and speak with my parents to work out any problems but my parents refuse to answer the phone. There was constant arguments in my house and it got so unbearable that I packed my bag and went to my cousins house. I stayed there for 3 weeks and now ive been at my grandparents house for 2 weeks. I feel very bad for leaving my parents home but I only did it for peace and so both sides could relax and think. Because i believe the more you argue about something the more you will dislike it, and I thought space was needed. I contacted my Uncle (the person whom introduced my family to L) and he is very suprised at my parents for the way they are acting. He tried speaking with them but they did not want listen. They think L is a fake person and everything he tells me on the phone is a complete lie and they believe he will control my life. Ive gotten to know him for a very long time but I do not think that, nor do those who know him in XYZ. Although everything we are going through with my parents we still both want to try and do whatever we can. He is willing to show or prove to my parents anything but they want nothing to do with him. Its very hard after getting to know someone and wanting to now marry him that my parents called it off. I dont know what more to do. Im praying for the best and seeking others advice but Im being pulled in so many different directions. He is a good person, with wonderful islamic ethic and so am I and all we want is a Happy marriage together. My parents tell me without their blessing our marriage willl be horrible so that scares me! Im stuck and now dont know where to turn.
Time: Saturday August 21, 2010 at 3:06 pm
The best nikah is a nikah that has simplicity and least amount of expense (and burden) attributed towards it. (Paraphrased from miskaat shreef -Kitab un nikah.)
Giving a second chance to this brother was a generous action. However, aiding in an over extended relationship is not faith based. This was from the side of incorrect behavior, thus your problem. Communication within appropriate boundaries are allowed. I do agree that you should be part of every negotiation that relates to you and is relevant to you and your future; this should have been done in a more respectable manner. Your parents communicating both your interests on both your behalf whilst you both be given the full right to listen in and be part of all pertinent conversations. When one violates religious based protocols and Allah wants the best for them, then He allows for a refocusing. You are undergoing a blessing in disguise, if only one uses this time to evaluate and reflect upon their current situation, it would prove beneficial towards their future.
The religious principle is simple, anything based on wrong would limit the blessings of the Creator. Your problem in reality was based on the violation of the above mentioned Hadith and rule. When people place burden of wanting to keep a certain image, wedding at a particular location, etc. then in essence they are trying to control and demand that which is beyond their powers. Any person that does this really dominates themselves, for religion can never be over powered nor dominated.
It would have been so much nicer to have the nikah at your local musjid without any over extended dialogue, with respectable guests dressed in respectable manner, and still have money left over without the possibility of conflict and debt!
Kind note: let go of wrongful relationships. Do not do things that are sneaky or behind your parents back. It is not befitting for a good person to do so. Let this not be something that would eventually be used against you – either by your husband, his or your parents, or the ploys of shaytan when he toys with your emotions as a result of sins that relates to your past.
Allah Certainly Knows Best.