A.A my beloved imam,
Alhamdulilah Allah guided me to the straight path, and made everything easy upon me. Many of my friends in the past in high school and college dated guys or were in a relationship. I never spoke with a guy on the phone or text him. Whenever I liked a guy I would pray Istikhara to seek refuge from that feeling and I always find the solution. The temptation of texting/chatting or calling guys was made dislike for me.
Now I fall in love (or maybe that’s what I think in my head). This guy was not a practicing Muslim before, and now he became religious, and that is what attracted me towards him. I started to text him, and for some days he responds to my text messages but for the most part he doesn’t. I became so attached to this individual that I admire everything he does. I prayed Istikhara to find a solution for this problem. I saw two dreams: one where I have a big fight with his family and I start to hate everything in this world. The second dream, he approaches a girl at a meeting and asks for her hand in front of me. At that moment I became really depressed, and heard a voice from outside saying “You wasted your heart and given it to one that is forbidden for you”. Once I saw that dream I told myself that’s it; I will not bother to think of him, but after a couple of days I found myself still liking the guy. What should I do? And what do these dreams mean?
Time: Sunday June 20, 2010 at 4:06 pm
A: وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته
You are a lucky one:
Allah (SWT) is guiding you away from this type of relational/spiritual crises. You must be strong and continue to persevere towards your highly cherished values. You have been guided away from wrong for so many years. This is a gift from Allah. Do not let it all go to waste over a ‘guy.’ A man that may look great now, but within years when you see the bald spot and yellowing of the teeth coupled with a bent back, you must not look back and regret your hasty decision. You are slipping a tad and this slippage can devastate your life. You must choose wisely. Allah loves you even in this state, are you not truly blessed?
So do you really want friends (and more!)
Humans need friends. No person is an island. Every relationship has two overarching dimensions they must take note of: one that comprises of the human relational element. The other is an element that deals with the Creator. It would create havoc in your life when either of these two elements are violated. A relationship that is not based on respect for ones deeper spiritual values only hurts you in the long run. It creates sadness and misery of every type. (you have witnessed a part of this as part of your spiritual development.)
How shaytan operates?
Here is the ploy of shaytan: he beautifies evil for you, and then flees from you, letting you suffer your own embarrassment (as derived from ayah.) Then he makes you regret and hate yourself and your Creator (also derived from ayah.) You seem like a great person. Shaytan thrives on hurting people like you. This is the way he pulls you into his camp. Once you are taken by him, the joy and beauty of faith gradually departs. This hurts you and gains you the Displeasure of Allah. So many have been hurt, do you want to join in too?
Who suffers more?
Women traditionally suffer more from such hasty or ill founded decision making processes than men. Reputable women minimize their success of good marital propositions due to embarking upon such a slippery slope. As the Hadith states: Truth (and a lifestyle linked to it) brings contentment to the heart, deception destroys a person. (Hadith-paraphrased) Living a life fulfilling ones lusts is a life of falsity, and it should be abstained. Pursuing a man/woman without parental consent and in the proper manner is linked to mere lust and disobedience of the Ascribed.
Fess up to reality:
Him not responding to you shows either 1) resistance to you or 2) it could be indicative of him not wanting to do wrong. If he has resisted you, then your pursuing of him can be viewed as desperation. This does not really make you look too good. Self-respect is a must for every type of success. If he does indeed like you but is more fearful of Allah, then we stand in admiration of him. This means he is a good person.
In either situation, your emotions are important and this chase is naturally hurting you, your thoughts, etc. Life is too precious to waste on such trivialities. It would be best for you to have him approached by a respectable third party with the following outcome in mind: There is a woman interested in you. Are you seeking marriage? What is your support base? What can you award the woman and yourself for a successful relationship? Are you resistant towards certain cultures? What would your parents think of families X, Y and/or Z? What are you seeking from this worldly life? Spiritually? Give him as long as he wishes to answer these basic questions for starters. Again, take the answers as they are. Do not try and reinterpret what is being said for your ego. Look at things for what they are, not what you intend them to be.
Should you notice inadequacy on his part by means of his responses, make dua to Allah (SWT) to find you what He feels is best for you. Your self-respect and future is more important than a quick thrill of getting what you want without much understanding its set of consequences.
You can keep the following ayahs in mind for guidance:
And for those who fear Allah, (in the manner Allah Wills) He (Allah) prepares a means for a solution (65:2.) In context, ‘fear’ would mean doing things the correct way with the correct outcome in mind. ‘And be (steadfast in being) patient, for surely Allah does not destroy the work of the good-doers’ (11:115.) You are bound to be given the best from Allah. When the time is right, Allah would give. This is part of our faith. Being firm on this helps the self tremendously.
Wishing you the best of spouse in this world and the Hereafter, Ameen!
Allah Certainly Knows Best.
p.s. You could not have said it better: ‘maybe that’s what I think in my head.’