Marriage without parental consent?

Q. Is it permissible for a man and woman to get married without parental consent?

Q. Is there a hadith stopping us to marry. Some agree and some don’t, can you help?

Q. Is it compatibility we look for in marriage? Or is it consent from mom and dad?

Answer: Upon a proposal coming for one’s child, parents are responsible for the selection of the spouse for their children with the consent of the child. One aspect deals with the compatibility between the intended couples. The other deals with parental consent so as to give the couple their blessings. Having this in the midst of your mental reservoirs, take note of what Rasulullah (sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam) mentioned:  ‘a nikah without the consent of the wali is batil‘ (void, not having any religious weight.) Here Batil can mean one of two things: such a nikah is void, and thus you both would be living in the state of adultery and sin; or as other scholars have stated, batil means a wretched, disliked and a reprehensible action had taken place in the Sight of Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala). Both definitions imply that one should be cautious with their independent mindset on marriage.

Thus, a person insisting on marring a partner without parental consent would be aiding Shaytan to get the better of them. Parents usually toil in the best interest of their children, and their decisions are to prove this as well. Thus, parents examine areas of compatibility in order to be able to give their consent to the most suitable partner. Thus, a son or daughter should never overlook this significant aspect. Matchmakers and third parties eager to volunteer their help should not forget the importance of including parents/guardians (who raised a child worthy enough for the third party to marry off) and other persons as part of the marital process. To ignore critical guardians would be to cause an unwanted and avoidable curse-filled violation upon the self.

By contrast, if the girl and boy are a good moral couple, pious and upright in their actions, and the parents refuse to get such a couple married without just cause, and instead seek a corrupt person for their child, then the matter would be entirely different. Generally, such is not the case. As we are aware, ‘good boys and good girls’ do not refuse the request of their parents to things that are based on good faith and religiosity. When there is disagreement over the proposal that seems good, then of course the parents of the dissenting party (son or daughter) should defer to the child. And as always in the matters of great importance to one’s life, salaat ul isthikhara (prayer for guidance from Allah) should be undertaken.

Thus, depending on the situation, permissibility may exist for some, while not for others.

May Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) bless us all with good religious, faithful and compatible people to be with whilst fulfilling the criteria of  ‘good consent’ as well,  Ameen.

Allah certainly knows best.

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60 responses to “Marriage without parental consent?

  1. hi i wanted to ask that if a gal gets converted to islam from christianity. but her parents are not ready to get her married to a muslim boy..then is it possible that the marraige can take place without the consent of the girls parents… or still it is required for the girls parents to accept it, so then only the marraige is halal..

    • Response to comment box:
      A woman converting from Christianity to Islam whilst her parents remain disbelievers does not give her the right to disobey them. However, if they insist she marries a disbeliever, then from an Islamic point of view, her marriage to a disbeliever would be invalid. There is no compliance in evil requests. In such a situation her declining of such a marriage would be rewarding for her.

      Should an appropriate Muslim male propose for her, she must present the male to her parents for her parents would still be able to help her attaining a relational fit. Should her parents refuse a good relational fit, she must take the case to a knowledgeable scholar for evaluation and have him function as her wali (guardian.) Should she have other family members that have also converted to Islam, they can also function as her wali. The latter would be more preferred.

      The marriage would always be halal in that it goes through. Disobedience relating to parental consent and requests does not always mean the marriage is haram or illegitimate; it merely means that a wretched action has occurred reducing the Mercy of Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala). If done for valid reasons and legitimate circumstances, then the marriage would not be void of the Mercy of Allah, insha-Allah.

      (The above answer is based on the situation outlined above. It should not be generalized to all circumstances.)

      Allah certainly knows best.

  2. muslim girl

    The guy I want to marry was ismaili and has now coverted to islam and is sunni. But my parents won’t accept it because his family is ismaili and that’s his background. They are not considering the fact that he isn’t ismaili anymore and they won’t accept the proposal. Would it be halal if I married him without my parents permission??

  3. We have answered you clearly in the above. Although you may be allowed to marry him, due to him now being a Muslim, your parents have the right to impose upon you the rule of compatibility, etc. Should they insist you not marry him on valid grounds, your persistence would be viewed as a reprehensible action. The matter of marriage is not only concerned about muslim versus nonMuslim, etc. but other pertinent factors as well. So weight your options wisely with its long term effect in mind.
    Kindly read:

    • I think you missed the part where she said that her parents have ignored the fact that he himself in not ismaili anymore? Any light on that situation.

      • no part was missed: had he not been a Muslim, i would have stated: This nikah does not comply with sharia requirements. Instead i said: ‘your persistence would be viewed as a reprehensible action.’ This means that the nikah would be devoid of its maximum barakah, and for some it would be a nikah that remains suspended in its total religious essence, etc.
        Her parents cannot base a decision on his past alone. That would unfair if all else is compatible.

  4. my son refused to return my money and property which i transfer in good faith then he turned agaist me and wanted to marry someone without completing his education .i therefore refused to agree to such marriage. Especailly when i brough him up single handedly after his fathe’s death, when he was only 9 years of age. He went to iman who told him that he does not need my consent for marriage. Can i have yr view on this marriage.

    • How long the question remained on the website?

      • could you please explain what do you mean by my comment needs moderation?

        • The comments of those who comment for the first time must be approved by the admins to avoid spam on the posts. Don’t worry, you did not do anything bad.

          As for how long the question has been on the website, you can tell that by the date on the post. This particular question was posted on December 17, 2008.

    • We are lacking many facts
      Was the transfer a loan? Gift? Security? etc.
      We don’t know why the Imaam said what he said. We lack details. Are you are hurt about the money or the marriage or your child? Are you fusing the money and marriage issue together due to your hurt?
      It would be best if children and parents listened to each other in matters of religion. Go with your child to reputable Imaam or good religious counselor. Your child needs your duas. You and your child are blessed in that you care. May Allah (SWT) make matters easy for you and your family, Ameen.

  5. Pingback: marry who i tell you, or else « Islam In Action

  6. Christian convert

    I have converted to islam almost 1 yr ago. My parents do not accept, but I still follow it as best as I can. They do not want me to marry a muslim man, however, if I insist I can have the permission for it. The problem lies in the muslim man’s family. I have met a muslim man I want to marry, but his parents do not accept me, because I do not have an Arab background and because my family background is also not Muslim.

    We do not want to get married without his parents’ support. We both want our entire family’s envolvement towards our wedding and also for them to be happy with our union.

    What do I do, or what can he do, when it comes to his parents?

    • Christian convert

      I’m sorry, my previous question was not really answered.

      The muslim man and I intend to marry only with parental consent. However, his parents do not accept me only because I do not have an Arab background and because my family is not form a muslim background (both factors of which are not mentioned in the Quran as necessary for marriage). I feel discriminated against (very un-islamic thing for his parents to do), also, there is nothing that I can do about my background.

      How can we show his family how un-islamic their actions are? Where can we find the support or the evidence to show them that their reasons against me is not sufficient to disregard me as potential good wife for their son?

      • If any scholar views my post, please correct in light of your knowledge as I am not a scholar.

        What his parents are doing is not in line with Islamic principles. Unfortunately we muslims are again indulging in issues of lineage while it should be otherwise and especially for marriage the best criteria for partner selection should be piety and taqwa.

        I would like to relate my experience in this matter. One of my cousins (female) wanted to marry a Jewish man. Her parents of course did not approve of it. He was in the process of learning about Islam. He Alhamdulillah converted and is a better muslim now than us born muslims. After seeing his truth in conversion, her parents agreed and they are mashallah living happily. This is how your muslim mans parents should do.

        Second, in Pakistan there is a religious organization which would support converted females by providing them money to live on there own or the girls hostel which they setup. They would help them maintain good relations with there non muslim parents but would appoint a suitable Qazi or guardian to oversee there marriage as the non muslim parents would not agree.

        In your situation, all of Islam in spirit is against your friends parents. As the Prophet (pbuh) said in his farewell address. “All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab”.

        Its as simple as that.

        • Cordoban Cow........boy

          By the way, an obsession with lineage is very Mormon, you can tell the guy’s parents that they have Mormon tendencies…

  7. I am also a convert to Islam from christianity, realistically, if your parents don’t approve of your religion, you can’t expect them of approving of marrying a man from your new religion….

  8. Muslim Boy

    assalamu allaikum!
    my Question is that I Like A girl who is my Cousine and she likes me too. we want to marry. father of that girl has died and his Uncle is is compeling him to marry a boy that He like.His Uncle is very very non Practical Muslim,the girl is very Religious and I am too Alhamdulillah! we did not Talk,meet ever. as U know that the girl will like the boy and will marry as She is Momina/Zania/mushriqa ect…. It is also mentioned in Quran.
    we were waiting for each other for 2 years. I sent my Perposal via my mother but they refused instently without asking the girl and engaged her withot her consent…once she Text me about all condition. she want to marry me and I am also very worried.please tell me that The Nikah is Possible Without “Wali” under these conditins? I am a Hanfi Follower. jazzaak Allah! assalaamu Allaikum

  9. Westerner comment: I have a question, what if a older woman, who is not of the muslim religion, wants to have a relationship with a muslim man. Her parents would not have any say on who she marries or dates, how does this work? Does she have to be accepted by his family? Does she have to convert?

    • They can marry each other.
      His parents do not have to approve if he has passed the age of maturity.
      Parental approval functions as a blessing and is highly recommended and sanctioned by all cultures and religions.
      Conversion is not necessary. Generally it is only recommend for marital success. Marital success cannot be ensured due to conversation but can only function as a predictor of marital success.

  10. Found Sister

    So, based on what I read in the first response to the original question, if a woman converts and has sparked the marital interest of a muslim, than her father, even if not muslim would be okay to serve as her wali and approve of the marriage?
    I have been a muslim for almost 2 years and (allhumdiallah) there is a muslim man who would like to discuss marriage (allhumdilallah again). We both are religious and want to do things the right way but I am the only muslim in my family, so I would like to know if it would still be ok/valid for him to speak with my father in regards to marrying me. My father would approve of him as he is a good man so there would not be a problem in regards to that. I was however under the impression that a muslim male had to approve the marriage on my behalf.
    Also, if I were to have a wali from the community, is it true that my wali could say no to the marriage even if I agree? Thank you in advance for your response Imam.

  11. Found Sister

    By the way, I am quite a bit older than the typical bride, and have not been married before. And I do have a child that I am raising alone. Don’t know if this matters at all but I want to make my situation a little clearer for you so as to get the most beneficial response.
    Jazakallah khair Imam

    • Answer to both of your queries at once:
      You seem like a great person, may you always remain as such.
      Kindly read the following. It may help remove confusion. Also type key words to this topic and you shall see the likeness of this topic all over the place on our site.

      Age does matter for some. Situations and maturity differs for each person. Compatibility always remains an issue for a successful marriage.

      This topic has been over run on our site. We have reduced responses on this topic. However, if you feel i am lacking, kindly cut and paste your question and the second time around we do a better task.

      You welcome for your query, wishing you the best.

  12. Christian convert

    Hi, pls don’t forget to answer me!

  13. salam 3alekom brothers. My case is very complicated. I am living with my elderly sick mother, and my 5 yr old child. I am a single mother after a bad exerience in marriage but al hamdu lilah its over now. I have meet a wonderful religious person and he has made me become more aware of my religion(islam) and has made me close to god more and more al hamdulilah. The only problem is my mother is very crule towards him although he tries to please her all ways and has come her to the country I live in (uk) all by him self with no help from me. To show her that he is capable of comming and start a living in the same country as we live in in order for me not to leave her and the uk as its the only place I can live in and have an income to live. However the only problem I have is that I want to marry this man but he is refusing to marry me without my mother knowing untill he is settled and able to get me a seperate home. My mother has warned me that I can marry him but she will kick me out and I will have no wr to go. I cant live with her with him and he can support me like this no problem. But he cant get us a place wr me him and my child can live and also support us. He can only afford to get a small plc for him and support himself. If he lives with me and my mother he can support me this way also as he wont need to spend all the money in a room. But I keep telling him so we dont commit sins we should marry and he should work on getting us a place and can fully support us then I will tell her and move. Is it lawful to marry and not tell her for the time being because we dont want to comit sins and we feel very guilty for this. Gazak allah kol kheer isa

  14. Salaam, i just needed some advice, i have got a proposal that my parents are happy with, however i want to marry someone else, i told my mum but she keeps crying to me and saying shell never accept him because hes bengali and itll bring shame to the family and that i will be disowned. It upsets me to see my mum cry but i relly want to marry him can i still do my nikka with him even if my parents say no?

  15. Wasalam,
    Kindly read the response again. The answer we have shared is rather clear. We are inclined to giving parents the benefit of the doubt. Although we agree that the nikkah would inshaAllah go through, the aspect of ‘shame’ seems to be possibly racially motivated. Although we do not agree with your parents claim of ‘shame,’ we also realize that two wrongs would not make a right.

  16. I know it is wrong to marry without the parents consent but if a muslim boy and a muslim girl with good intentions want to get married (I am saying because in today’s co-ed world boys and girls do become friends, but just till words without any physical contact) and then if the parents say no. let me elaborate a good boy who earns well and is from a good family. Because parents will always think that this is the best for their children but I have seen such actions and I have seen girls crying back home divorced for no reason. The general question is this boy was rejected because he earned less than the boy’s whose proposal’s were coming and that he was from a different race but muslim can such a couple get married especially if the girl cant mentally prepare herself for someone else. I am telling you the girl has tried to reason with her parents but they still say no. Before they force her and she quietly says yes to a marriage that she doesn’t want can she walk out and get married to this boy ?

  17. Pingback: The trend of our youth seems scary. Some seem to be on a different buzz | Islam In Action

  18. my question is prayer time: were i leave we have 6 to 10 MASJIDs and the all pray diferen time even thou we are same satate

  19. hi i am 27 years old famel i get married when i was 15 and up to now i feel gulty that how i get married my parents didnt want me to get married at the time and i run away with my husband and get NIKAH with out my parents even thou they get so mad at me they told me they forgive me but my heart tells me i am bad person for what i did (getting marrig with out parents) now i have kids and alham dullilah every body is ok to each other my parents and my husband. so plz tell me. what u think ist (HARAM) what i have done or not? SHUKRAN

    • you did great wrong. ask for forgiveness to the right people without making matters worse. Allah (SWT) forgives all. put your past behind and move on. do not let shaytan pull you down because of your past. makes lots of dua. give charity to the poor to cool the wrath of Allah (SWT) upon you and those around you. be a better example to your children. pray with your husband, encourage him to pray, read Quran daily in your home in front of your children. these simple start up suggestions would make things look better for you, IA

  20. assalaamualaikum,
    The situation is very complicated and i am in need of advice inshaAllah. My sister has recently explained that she is in love with a man from a different race and wants my fathers permission to marry him. My father has refused to accept this as it would be ‘shameful’ because they have done this in the haraam way (ie- the guy did not come to my father with a proposal for her hand but instead was ‘dating’ her).
    i suspect that she may have had a ‘secret marriage’ and i would like to know whether this marriage would be valid without wali being present,

    • you are seemingly say two different things: 1) you seem to be saying that they are not married. 2) thereafter you seem to be saying that they could be married. which is it?

      if they are married:
      if they both are of legal age and fulfill all the criteria of nikah (marriage), then in such an instance we see no reason for the nikah to be viewed as incorrect. Such marriages — the ones without a ‘wali’ are however extremely disliked in religion.
      ‘suspecting’ is not good enough. get your facts before you leap with statements.

      if they not married:
      then they involved in sin, and sin does not bring blessedness.

  21. salam,
    My situation: i am an 18 year old girl. I have recently found a man n we both decided that we want to get married. I love him, but neither of us want to do anything wrong in terms of our religion, which is why we have now agreed to not speak until we finish our education (uni)and are more grown up and mature. We are the same age by the way.
    Before this, i told my parents about him and that i want to marry him. They objected and said that because he is from another part of somalia, and that our families should not mix. She thinks that were not compatible. My parents refused to speak to his parents and took other peoples words to make her judgement about his family.
    My parents now want me to marry a cousin of mine.
    I understand that my parents want the best for me, and i love them and dont want to lose them. But at the same time, i have found a man who is taking his religion and education seriously. In this situation, do you think it is wrong or right for my parents to object? And could you give me any clarification on marrying without a wali? Is it haraam for me to do against my parents wishes in this situation?
    Jazaakallahu khairun, yaa akhii… N i would like to say what you are doing here on this website is commendable. Alhamdulilah, a lot of muslims lives are being changed here

  22. Asalamoualaikoum

    A friend of mine is now in her 20s. She has received proposals, but has never found the mean compatible. She found someone however, and the man sent a proposal to her parents. He is a practicing muslim, and has a very good job. Due to her knowing him without her parents’ knowledge, they have refused the proposal. Also, there have been people who do not know the man, but have been saying lies about him. The girl has prayed istikhara, the result was not negative.
    The man has asked for her hand 4 times in all,and has even brought his family to her home to ask. However the parents remain stubborn, saying they just don’t want them to get married.
    Now my friend’s mother is insisting she marries other people, and is repeatedly talking about it to her.
    If they were to perform nikah without her father, would the marriage be ‘cursed’,as the parents did not give their blessings? What is the best action for these two. It seems unfair that there is no islamic reason to say no to their marriage.

  23. A.Salaam. I would like to marry a girl she is muslim, but culture wise we are completely different, i have asked her parents for her hand in marriage and have said to them that i am working my way towards getting my own parents acceptance, as of that her parents have also given me a condition to pass my uni which i have accepted, but I would like to know if me talking to her parents was wrong, and what am I to do if my parents dont accept because i really love this girl with all my heart, and well i think my mother will gladly accept its just my father :( please could i have some advice. Jazakallah

  24. I have a question, i want to marry a girl, whose mother until now supported us but a few weeks back she turned her back on us, half of the family was reluctant on our marriage due to the fact that i am from a pathan family. We (me and the girl) are ready to have nikah, but i still want their family’s consent because i want everything to get done in a better and respectable way. My question is if still i had to marry her without her parents will, what should i do? Like there is a possibility she harm herself. keeping all these things what you suggest??

  25. Muslim Brother

    Asalamu Aleykum
    I’v been interested in getting married for the past 1 month. I have approached my parents and spoken to them about my thoughts and asked what is their thoughts to it as well. My Father does not like the fact about me getting married at all, he said im to young for me to be thinking of marriage. However, I do not want to comit (zina) adultry and just want to do everything halal. Including to that I want to be with her and so does she. My mum has a different input to my dad’s, she told me that she does not mind but she would like me just to do another two years because she thinks that im going to be distracted. What is your thoughts about this, can I still get married even if both of my parents do not want me to ?

  26. well asalamoualaikoum
    my question is zat zat i lov a boy who is nw single..he got married before due to many problms he got separated wiz his wife….he is a very nice boy today i talk wiz my parents about says must talk wiz dad first…but i want to know if my parents object can i marry him?

  27. Salam mualikum,
    I have a question, i have met a muslim woman she was married before and has a child and who is older then me. My parents have refused to meet her parents under the grounds that shes older then me as well as has a child. we both get along perfectly. My parents refuse to meet her or even to give her a chance. we both want to marry each other and do things halal. can you advise please.

  28. I have a similar problem,

    I have now been interested and alhamdillilah reveted to islam for some 7 years.
    Recently a dear friend to whom I have known many years has reveled he would like to be married to me.

    We have got to know each other very well (not initially with thoughts of marriage but friendship) and compatibility seems very good ! We are both good people and want to be the best muslims we can inshallah.

    As we now have feelings for each other and have talked of marriage this is heartbreakingly hard for us both but we are both steadfast to the belief we need to do things properly inshallah.

    He went to his parents with the idea of marriage for us and they have not refused persay, they told him to do as he wishes but with major consequence.

    They say he will loose them and will have failed them if he marries me and have now made him promice to never talk of the subject again, they have tried everything, pushing arranged girls on him and now even agreeing to not try and marry him off at all.

    I would be happy if they had good reason and found a suitable match with whom he would find happiness and live a good life. But all of their reasons they have given are not valid and I and others feel not very islamic. They have basically rolled out a long list “of what if’s” because I am white not punjabi.
    Although they conceed alhamdullilah, inshallah iam a good muslim.

    Everyone at my mosque tells me this is not a correct view and is cultural rather than religious.
    Iam feeling the family are trying to use my own religion against me. (Giving examples like what if my christian family drink alcohol infront of future children) I feel that would be a failure on my part as a parent, but my family respect me and would never do that and the majority do not drink really anyway!
    Or “a white girl will divorse you” “take all your money” etc etc. I have nothing but respect and good intenetion toward my friend and feel the colour of my skin has nothing to do with this.

    My friend agree’s the ‘reasons’ his parents give are not valid and are rooted in racism but is scared to loose his family and we would both prefer both of our familys blessing before marrying! Inshallah.

    Wallah we miss each other terribly and have struggled with this since he told me he had thoughts of marriage 8 months ago now!

    Please what should we do?



  29. Assalamualaikum Wr. Wb.
    My husband and I are different country but we are Moslem and met in University. He married me last month without his family consent. He did this because he knew his family can not accept a wife from different country. And now his family threatening him to divorce me after he told them. And they have told him to see another girl to engage even they know we are married already. My husband said he doesn’t know what to do, because probably if we continue our marriage then he maybe can not back to his country or family anymore. But he said he wants me and he’s happy by me as his wife. And now I got so worry that he will divorce me because now he’s return home to proceed some documents. He went there without me because we lack of money to travel together. He left me in my parents home.
    Would you please give me any suggestion of what should we do? Jazakallah

  30. salam.
    i am 18 year old. i have a very very serious matter that i need reply within few days please as urgent as possible.

    my situation is alot different compared to everyone over here. at the age of 13 me and my brothers hands were given to my dads sisters two children. both of which are young in age about 2 uear difference. i wasnt even asked whether i accept him. it was a shock. my dads sister s from pakistan who wants her childrengo go abroad and get a passport by marrying me so she can come over to explore england. at the age of 16 i liked a boy hu was 17. we were both muslims sunni but more in control by shitaan and we committed adultery. as i was from western society we never had alot knowledge of islam. few months later a close friend died who was aged 19 which feared me alottt… me and my love used to call eachother hubby and wife… his mother and father accepted me as daughter. once my friend died i says to my love look lets stop this all alhumdililah i made him islamic read namaz fasteverything. like couples who go on honeymoon we reqested only umrah will be first holiday. mashallh say i ask for forgiveness everyday. i have surah yaseen water everyday not one day i miss. we havebecum religious alot but die to our past we want to tay together and get married. know problm is we both pakistanis im a choudhary caste whilst hes a sheikh. my parents do not accept ot if i marry other castee says ur dead for me. sheikh r ppl frm arab highly educated and religious whilst choudhary were rich in wealth. nw. i tod my parents my mum swore upon allah and says you shall maary your cuzzi. i have only one option to leave home. my dad has showed e the door. i am embaraced to tel bwt my past as im religioud nw. due to wealth and family profession they r rejecting. my dad ct say no to his sis as his disresect for her. my dad wants his knephew come to the uk. my love his parents have stated we r happy we shal du ur nikkah i shal be ur wali. they says we r not ur father in law im ur father. they hae also stated that a girls real house is her in laws. my mother gves me badluck if i say no to her knephew. my brother went in same situation he told parents they discussed with girls parentd and forced the girl to marry her cuzzin for him to gt stay in uk. nw the girl talks to my brother and wnts to run away she hates the guy she marred as he is bad. thy argue all the time. wat can i do. i am 18 old enuff and want to protect myself frm doing sum adultery sin again so i want to gt married. my dad ssters have booked. each child. brother pllzz help meee. can i gt marred without consent. . i love him alott evenmy parents. parents do tend to accept children bck. but i dnt wat i lose the boy. if icommitted adultery ots better for me to marry him than marry sumone ele as if they myt knw more problem. plzzz pray frm heart make e succeasful. and i do hajj andinshallah if im a gd muslim wen i die i shal be awarded jannath and the kalima shahadah f i continue with my islamic steps. alhumdlilah im proud of wat allah has given me

    • walaikumsalam, plese can someone send me a summary version of what was said. Or alternatively, can someone please give a sane opinion to help out this person.

    • Your Sister in Islam

      Assalamu Alaykum dear Sister Madiha,
      First of all, I sincerely hope that your dua’s for becoming a good Muslim, going to hajj and being able to do the kalmah shahdah with your last breath and being awarded Jannah comes true. May Allah (s.w.t) make all these dreams of yours come true inshallah. Ameen. Therefore, Sweetie to have these desires of becoming a good Muslim itself is a great gift from Allah (s.w.t) and I sincerely hope that you are able to cherish this gift and make it a reality with the help of Allah (s.w.t). Remember the time before your close friend died, did you even have this desire to become a good Muslim, I bet you didn’t even think that much about it. So, Subhanallah despite that, Allah(s.w.t) through his infinite mercy made you aware that you need to change and become a better Muslim. That itself is such a big blessing from Allah (s.w.t). So more than others making dua for you, It is important that you make dua for yourself and beg Allah(s.w.t) to assist you become a better Muslim because only He can guide you to become better.
      With that said, It is important that you understand that if you want to become a better Muslim, you need to strive to obey Allah (s.w.t) in every matter in your life whether it is easy or difficult and you need to let go of any disobedience. You need to truly repent for your sins and sincerely let go of any sin that you repent from. You need to be honest with yourself and make your top priority that no matter what happens I need to obey Allah (s.w.t) .You also need to truly believe and I mean honestly, truly believe that Allah(s.w.t) knows what is best for us more than anyone, after all he is our creator. You also need to truly believe that Allah(s.w.t) is never ever unjust toward any of his creation. No matter what, He is always Just to each and everyone even if they don’t believe in him or they disobey him . Therefore, whatever commandments he has given us, it is for our own good and if we follow these commandments they will not increase his Majesty in any way or decrease it but rather we will become the best of Human Being AKA True Believers. None of the commandment of Allah (s.w.t) are there to torture us but rather they are a blessing and mercy from him to help us become the best of Human Beings.
      Second, you need to work on the relationship between you and your parents and try to help them understand where you are coming from regarding marrying this boy in a respectful manner. Allah (s.w.t) commanded us to respect them and obey them unless they are telling us to associate partners with Allah (s.w.t) and which in your case they are not telling you to associate partners with Allah (s.w.t). You might feel” but that it is not fair because they are not being fair to me” but sweetie, this is not what I am saying but Rather it is a commandment from Allah (s.w.t). Make Dua to Allah(s.w.t) that He assists them in understanding you and you understanding them. Therefore, you should not ruin your parent’s relationship at any expense. Remember, no matter how much your boyfriend’s parents treat you like their daughter I can assure you that they will never be able to take the place of your parents and do a better job. For instance, I once heard an advice that said, “that it is not a coincident the family you have but rather it is a perfect plan of Allah (s.w.t) and Allah (s.w.t) put you in that family because you are best for them and they are best for you and both of you are suppose to be learning something from each other” Therefore, improve your relationships with your parents and attain their dua because their dua is one of the ways to attain Jannah and their curse in one of ways to attain Horrible life in this world and the Hereafter.
      Third, you need to cut off any communication/interaction with your boyfriend because it is haram to have boyfriend. Think about it, you are asking forgiveness for the adultery you have done with this boy but yet you are forgetting that having a boyfriend is a sin that tends to lead to a major sin such as adultery. So if you are truly repenting for the adultery you have done then why would you put yourself in a position where you might fall in to the same sin again by continuing to having a boyfriend. I know it is not easy but do it for Allah (s.w.t)’s sake and ask him for assistance to help you get out of this Haram relationship. In addition, it is seems like you are having priority confusion. What I mean is that you want to become a good Muslim which would mean that Allah (s.w.t) should be your top priority but at the same time through your action you are making your boyfriend your top priority. In a way your love for your boyfriend is prevailing over your love for Allah(s.w.t) and the shaitan is trying to play games with you by trying to make you justify your Haram relationship( having a boyfriend) by things like I tell him to pray 5 times a day and we both try to become good Muslim Together or we advice each other Islamically. But, let me be frank with you sweetie, you will never be close to Allah(s.w.t) through Haram means and mixing Haram and halal is one of the ways shaitan(satan) distracts us from our goal of wanting to become close to Allah (s.w.t). Therefore, this Haram relationship will distant you from Allah (s.w.t) rather than bring you close to him. I know you love him and you want to marry him but that still does not justify your current Haram relationship. So, make dua to Allah(s.w.t) that you are able to be with your boy friend in a Halal way which means through Marriage ONLY Inshallah.

      What I am saying might seem impossible to you but You Can do it, do it for the sake of Allah (s.w.t) and Remember you goal that you want to attain Jannah. Ask Allah (s.w.t) for assistance in your pain and difficulty. Trust in Allah(s.w.t) and remember only He (s.w.t) knows whats best for you , so Ask him for what is best for you and inshallah what you get will bring you close to Allah (s.w.t) and you will be pleased with it.
      All the Best, May Allah (s.w.t) make it easy on you inshallah and on all of us inshallah. Ameen. Any time you feel things are become hard and painful, make dua to Allah (s.w.t) and ask him for assistance, it works every time !

      • Your Sister in Islam

        In regarding Parents, Of course, you do not obey them also when they tell you to do things that are clearly forbidden in Islam. About other cases, I would recommend to consult with a Muslim scholar. What I was trying to tell you was try your best to sincerely be good to them and Respect them even though you both don’t agree in something. If you do that for Allah (s.w.t)’s sake, He (s.w.t) will NOT let your efforts of being good to them go to waste.

  31. Assalamu alikum dear sister Madiha,
    It sounds like you’re in a difficult situations… Sister, let me advise you like my younger sister, you claim to love Allah subhanahu, you’re religious, and you read the heart of the Quran (Yasin) all the time on water…let me just remind you of some of the verses in surat Yasin that you really should ponder upon for a looong while “So today no soul will be wronged at all, and you will not be recompensed except or what you used to do. Indeed the compaions of Paradise, that Day, will be amused in (joyful) occupation, they and their spouses in shade, reclining on adorned couches. For them therein is fruit, and for them is whatever they request (or wish). And “Peace” a word from a Merciful Lord.” and then Allah subhanahu says “But stand apart today you criminal. Did I not enjoin upon you, O children of Adam, that you not worship Satan (for) indeed, he is to you a clear enemy. And that you worship (only) Me? This is a straight path”… But sister, you also kind of threatening I don’t know who, by saying that if you don’t marry your so called love, you will commit adultery again with him?!! If you truly became religious and love Allah, you wouldn’t be saying that! Plus, your love, if he really “loves” you and his family, at least he should have not slept with you, behind your parents back, and while Allah was watching you at that moment, if her really loves you, he should have at least protected you from Shaytan and didn’t embarrass you in front of Allah. Also, if his family loves you so much, then they must be trying to get in touch with your parents, or are they just going to take you from your family?! Sister, if you love Allah, then you should listen to the people(your parents) he told you in Quran, and at least talk to them about your cousin and tell them why you don’t want him, and if they refuse, then you should really go with the flow and remember that Allah always chooses good for you, but don’t let Shaytan fool you!
    PS you are tooooo young to marry you so called love with a parental consent! are you kidding me?! your parents took care of you and protected you for years, now you just wanna run away with a guy? do you want your daughter in the future to do that for you? Plz think 100 times before you do something

  32. My parents did not give their blessing because I accepted Islam and they were christian was it wrong for me to go ahead with the Nikah after numerous attempts to try and gain their approval

    • what did they expect you to do, never to get married? In your case, you would need to go to a qualified board of scholars and have them act as your guardian and share the appropriate guidance as to the matter.

  33. Salam, my question is if two people want to get married the girl is 19 and the boy is 21 however both of the parents are delaying this because the boy is in university but is financially stable, and the girls parents do not have enough money for the prepearation of the wedding. Is this right for the parents to be thinking of a big wedding when the girl and boy wish to have a small wedding? Importantly my question is if the girl and boy are feeling that they are falling into haram because of this delay and parents ain’t understanding is it then allowed to have a nikah done? Without the concent of your parents like a private nikah? Is this allowed otherwise because of the parents the girl and boy will both fall into haram as they are getting sexually attracted

  34. walaikumsalam,
    *If the parents have agreed, they must allow them to move on in a healthy manner with this relationship, or else they are seemingly contributing to the sin of their children.
    *Simple event would always be recommended. The boy can pay for the walimah. The girls side need not pay for anything, except for whatever they can afford.
    *To prevent zina, they can have a private event, however, waiting would prove better if possible.
    Student #725

  35. sultanhossain

    Sir,my name is sultan hossain.
    i have married 7 days ago means 1st january 2012 without the taking permission of the wife she also do this ,we do not take the permissions of the parents..kaji have said now you are married but here those questions and answers i have read..what will i do now…i can not live without her and she also ….is our marriage valid?my brother give me the support in my marriage …my family wants to accept the girl but the family of the girls do not want to marry with her ,they dont like me ..but already we married now but nobody knows..please give me some opinion what will i our marriage valid?we both love each other for that we get married father know everything without the father tries to convence for me to the girls parents…but they didnt..and she will not forget me so her mother say me to tell her that please forget me..

    but i cant

  36. S.alaikum Sheikh.
    I want to ask my Brother want to get Married but my Parents are not allowing it. Actually my mom does allow it but the my father is not accepting it.

  37. alsalam alaikum sheikh,

    i am a muslim male in college and i was engaged with a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with a non muslim, but that has passes alhamdullah and now she has became a good devoted muslim for a while,, if we want to get nikah and her parents are not muslim, does she need their consent and approval especially that she hasnt told them she converted,, or will just informing them that she is getting nikah is sufficient.. and who can be her wali since her parents are not muslim?