Talking Before Marriage

Q. To what extent can I talk to man before marriage? I have no person that can really represent me. My parents are overseas. My parents reject all my proposals. They would and I too would want to know the man before I marry him, so as to avoid a sticky situation. I do not want to marry a ‘perfect stranger.’ Can we (future spouse) talk on the phone? Instant messages? How can I tell if the spouse to be would lie about critical data? Can I be alone with my intended partner I am to marry in a room to interview him?

Answer. A woman can talk to the man she intends to marry in the presence of a mahram. The male and female should clear up any concerns they have during this conversation. There is no specified length nor specified questions that must be asked; however, the conversation should surround issues that are necessary in addressing the security concerns of each party with regards to the intended relationship.

Parents have the right to reject proposals that are potentially harmful to the child. Pious proposals should be addressed if levels of compatibility exist, more so in localities where possibilities are minimal for woman.

Knowing a man/woman is allowed in Shari’a. However, it should be done within the parameters of modesty. Her clothing must not expose that which is to be concealed; a mahram must be present so as to protect the interests of all parties

To answer the phone when he calls the home would be allowed provided it is in public view. To extend the conversation without a mahram would also be wrong. To talk privately or secretly would be not allowed. To violate parents’ trust would be also incorrect. To exchange cell phone numbers, text each another, instant message each another, etc would all fall in the category of wrongful communication. Such communication done without supervision of a mahram would be a violation of your Islamic etiquette. For either party to attempt or pursue erotic chatter would also be haram.

Sayidina Ibn Abbas (radiAllahu anh) narrates that he heard Rasulullah (sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam) saying, “It is not permissible for a man to be alone with a woman, and no lady should travel except with a mahram.” Then a man got up and said, “O Rasulullah (sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam) I have enlisted in the army for such-and-such battle and my wife is proceeding for Hajj.” Rasulullah (sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam) responded, “Go, and perform the Hajj with your wife.” (In other words, do not let her go alone! If such was the rule 1400 hundred years ago, the rule would surely not change in today’s time!)

[Volume 4, Book 52, Number 250: Imaam Bukhari]

Ibn Juraij (radiAllahu anh) narrated that ‘no person should be alone with a woman except when there is a mahram with her.’

[Book 007, Number 3112 Imaam Muslim]

Under ideal conditions, you should have your family interview the man. If no person exists to interview this man, then select a place with appropriate mahrams to help interview the potential spouse. You can ask to see him, and he can ask to see you a few times (if you are skeptical in nature.)

Allah certainly knows best.